While the mind is capable of great things, much of the time it limits us.
Call it what you will: the monkey mind, the reptilian brain, the ego – they’re all the same. You are not your mind. And as one of my mentors says: Your mind is not your friend.
While your mind may try to keep you safe, it does not support your growth as a person.
The terminology is confusing here because your mind is what gets in the way of mindfulness and inspiration.
What happens when you come up with a great, off-the-wall kind of idea? Usually, your monkey mind immediately jumps in to tell you why it’s a stupid idea that will never work.
You have scared the monkey mind by coming up with something so different. You’re shaking up the status quo. You’re suggesting change. And that scares the monkey mind.
He’ll do all he can to keep you right where you are. Safe.
The Mind as Task Master
The mind also gets in the way by reminding us of all the things we “should” be doing at the moment instead of having fun and following our passions.
My mind was programmed with the old thinking that I can only do something fun after I’ve completed all my chores, to-do’s, “important” things. This leaves very little, if any, time for fun.
The mind also creates arbitrary timelines within which all those to-do’s must be completed and beats us up if we don’t get things done perfectly and on time. This is otherwise known as goal setting.
Lately, I’ve been feeling fairly stressed about not accomplishing all that I want to do quickly enough. In an effort to feel better about what I do accomplish, I didn’t set arbitrary deadlines (that I would frequently miss in the past). Even without the deadlines, my mind is still beating me up for what I haven’t completed yet instead of focusing on all the great things I have accomplished.
While meditating today, I had a little talk with my monkey mind. I explained to him that it doesn’t really matter when I accomplish all the things on my list. I made up the things and the timing anyway. Do I really want to live each day of my life feeling stressed and cranky about what I haven’t accomplished yet? Or do I want to feel joy and peace every day? I want the latter. So how do I do this?
By choosing to do the things that bring me joy first. I know that all the goal-getting books out there tell us to do the most important thing first to get it out of the way. I’m choosing to do the most joyful thing first (which very well may be the most important thing, or it may not). That way, my day starts off happy and I bring that happiness into all the other things I choose to do, or not do.
I also reminded my mind that no one will punish me if I don’t get all my chores done before doing something fun. I have chosen to make my livelihood something that I love, something that I think is really fun. My monkey mind is having a hard time with this and starts dreaming up chores for me to do before I focus on writing, creating and learning more about my chosen path.
Sometimes, when I let my mind run my day, it’s 2pm or 3pm before I stop to realize that I haven’t done anything really fun or anything to move my business forward. I let my mind tell me that I have to do dishes, laundry, cleaning of all sorts, organizing, cooking, check and respond to emails, etc. This is how my day goes when I don’t mindfully choose how I want it to play out.
New Choices
Realizing that we really can choose how we want to feel all day is very empowering. We don’t have to react to everything that comes our way. We don’t have to habitually accept our mind’s old interpretation of events. We are free to make new, happier choices.
I used to get bent out of shape and angry when my husband snapped at me or made some negative comment. By taking it personally, I let it ruin my day. I would let it take me from happy to cranky and resentful in a heartbeat and I would stay there all day, spewing my negativity on everyone around me (which is contagious, unfortunately).
I’ve learned to stop and be mindful of where he’s coming from before I decide how to react. Usually, he’s tired or stressed about something that has nothing to do with me. When I ask him what’s going on with him and how I might help the situation, the negativity is usually quickly diffused.
By realizing that his negativity has nothing to do with me and by not taking it personally, I’m free to choose different responses that not only keep me from slipping down the negative slope but can get him to notice his state and turn it around. When he feels like I’m supporting him instead of blaming him or feeling resentful of him, his tone lightens and becomes more positive. He knows I’m on his side and I’m there for him.
Sometimes I wake up feeling tired and a little grumpy. I used to let this go unexamined and have a grumpy day and negatively affect those around me. Now, as I’m having my morning tea, I stop and have an internal dialogue to ask myself what’s up. I ask myself what I need to feel better. I remind myself that it would suck to feel like this all day. I smile, whether I want to or not because it makes me feel better. I think of things for which I’m grateful. And I make the choice to be happy.
Simple Steps
When you’re feeling fear openly or in one of its many guises (anger, stress, depression, anxiety, etc.), stop and have a little chat with your monkey mind. Realize that you are not your mind.
Ask your mind what the problem is. Have a conversation from an objective, non-judgmental point of view.
Whatever the issue is, follow it down the path of the worst possible scenario. What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? Don’t stop or catch yourself on the way down. Make it as bad as you possibly can. As long as the worst possible scenario isn’t your untimely death, it’s really not that bad.
Whenever I run down the worst case path, I usually end up on a path that I’ve actually experienced and realize that not only did I survive the disaster, I learned a few things that have made my life better.
Next time your monkey mind jumps in to tell you how stupid you and your choices are, all the people and things you should fear and avoid, how inadequate you are because you don’t meet up with some arbitrary standard, tell your monkey mind where he can go. As soon as you face him and non-judgmentally question his assertions, the faster he’ll take a hike and you can go on having a happy day.
The article above is the sixth in a series of six covering mindful body, relationships, career, finances, spirit, and mind. I’m developing these into a series of online courses. I want these courses to be incredibly valuable to you so I need your help. Are there topics that you would like the courses to cover that I haven’t covered here? Are there concepts that you would like to see covered in more depth? I’m open to your ideas.
Help me to help you by posting your comments below or emailing me at Paige at PaigeBurkes dot com. I genuinely value and appreciate your feedback. I’m here for you. Thank you.
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The Mindful Living Guide
First of all, I can’t believe I haven’t seen this before. I love it. As you say, our mind IS NOT our friend. Its priority is ALWAYS our safety – not our happiness. I wish I had learned that sooner and to question my thoughts. Consciously deciding how to think and act makes life much happier and easier. Thanks for spreading the word. A lot of people still do not know this.
Thank you Debbie! The art of thinking and living intentionally opens the door of possibilities and almost ensures that you live your best and happiest life.
I really appreciate the personal experience with your own mind shared in this post. It helps me remember we are all so very human. I love the idea of sitting down and having a talk with my monkey mind and the reminder that I have options.
Thank you Sandra! Being able to separate our True Self from our monkey mind is quite powerful.
Hi Paige,
I too like the idea of choosing to do the things that bring me joy first. I haven’t really thought of it that way, as I try and do the things that are the hardest first, so I can reward myself with the fun stuff. This is a great reminder that we are not our thoughts. The more I’ve been able to step back and take a look at my thoughts and not believe them to necessarily be true, the happier I am.
I think our societal programming tells us to do the “work” first before we can reward ourselves with the fun stuff. Flipping it could make the work more fun (at least we would approach the work with a more joyful state of mind). Meditation is super helpful in enabling us to notice our thoughts. We can’t change what we can’t see. Thanks Cathy!
Before the womb, there is memory; genetic memory of what it took for humanity to survive to now. If I fear spiders it mat be that an entire race who did not, did not survive. Then there is also the memory of my culture; the fears, struggles and stresses which enabled survival and moulded character. When I return to my roots, I feel familiarity and comfort in the expressions and body language of that culture. There are no words for this. The child has no vocabulary to rationalise its first expreiences. So who am I if I am none of these experiences. How do I express what existed before my vocabulayr. When I manifest through my meditation do I enable or cause. No answers here just struggling for explanations
The beauty of it is that there are no solid, single truths or explanations to any of this. It seems that we humans are the only creatures who look for something beyond the present moment. The explanations are the ones you make up and believe until you get more information that causes those previous beliefs to change. It’s constantly evolving and that’s what makes it interesting.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
I wonder about the statement, ‘you are not your mind’. My first grand child is due very soon. My daughter says that she thinks he is dreaming. How could this be because he has no experience. i reminded her that he does through the biochemistry released by her thoughts; joy, happiness, anxiety and fear, flowing in his blood stream. His mind is already being programmed; the pleasure of lying in the bath; the reaction to a sudden noise; perhaps the sound and fear of a dentist’s drill.
His mind is a template on which people and circumstances leave imprints of experience, which become the basis of his judgements. Anxiety states and compulsive disorders can result from irresponsible influences in these formative days.Having suffered OCD in my early 20s – I am a high achiever, and successful. they are not incompatible – my interpretation was that I had to abandon much of the subconscious programming to consciousness and relearn how to live, free of faulty limitations. It is a very painful process, never missing a day from a busy life while making these adjustments. the reward is fantastic. I have written about it as A Creative Illness. Creativity was inhibited by negative thinking.
I believe I am my mind. But we need to find where and what the mind is.
Here I define the mind as the crazy, conscious, logical thing that we feel that we must listen to. I see the True Self or Higher Self as so much more than that.
I agree with your comments on how a baby’s thoughts, feelings and physical development are strongly influenced by what the mother is thinking, feeling and experiencing – especially in the womb.
I also grew up a high achiever having almost no knowledge of a subconscious. Given many negative emotional experiences from an early age, I learned that feeling and showing emotions was dangerous so I shut them out. I lived in my conscious mind until my subconscious was literally screaming at me. Then I had to listen.
If you broaden the definition of the mind as more than the logical thought maker, yes, we can all question what it really is. If mind is simply energy then, yes, we are energy. But I can’t agree with limiting the definition of our Self as merely the logical mind – something so many people do without realizing it.
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great job, have a nice evening!
Paige, do you know that I got to be 48 years old without really understanding that I’m neither my mind nor my thoughts? Better late than never, I say!
It is freeing to view one’s mind as something that, while wise in its own way, can be very much like a two-year-old with its whining and demands. Time to gently but firmly put it back in its place!
I couldn’t agree with you more Bobbi. I wonder why it took me so long to learn so much of this. When I reflect, it confirms the idea that we are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. I never knew anyone who thought about or believed any of these ideas.
One day I thought to myself that there must be a better way and I set out to find it. It’s been a wonderful journey with no end and lots of new beginnings.
“What’s the worse that can happen?” This is my mantra and it’s served me well for decades. Top on my priority list for life is FUN! We don’t know how long we have here on Earth and regardless of what we’re doing in life we can look for ways to make it enjoyable. Thanks for this post Paige!
Thanks Darris! That’s a great mantra that can get us past so many internal blocks and fears.
I’m always working on my “fun factor.” My kids do a great job of reminding me. In the end, if things in our life don’t feel good, we shouldn’t be doing them. Simple as that.
Hi Paige,
Cute monkey! I like your idea of talking to & mellowing the monkey mind. You posted somewhere recently about using humor to mellow the monkey. I liked that idea as well as starting your day with something joyful. Great idea!
I’m learning to tame mine too. It’s interesting how the mind can be our ally or not depending on how we use it. Choice seems to have a lot to do with it. .
Thanks Brad! We all need to learn how to live with our monkey mind since he’s probably never going to leave us (unless we become some incredibly enlightened souls). Letting him chatter/vent, knowing that it’s all nonsense usually helps to calm him down. And, yes, humor always helps all of us!
EVERYTHING in life is a choice. How we see, perceive, interpret and respond to people and things; how we think and feel; and how we work with our monkey – these are all choices whether we realize it or not. The more we take personal responsibility for ourselves and become more conscious of our choices, the easier life gets and the more freedom we realize.
Thanks for commenting Brad!
Paige, your articles are amazing! One thing I see differently is that IMO we actually have very little choice in life-so much is beyond our control. One of the few things we do/can have control of is our thoughts. But we don’t realize the huge untapped potential that is there. I think that everything you’re describing about choice comes back to choices in thoughts basically.
Exactly Autumn. We control very little yet we always have an abundance of choices. Those choices originate with our beliefs and thoughts which dictate our actions. The more we push the boundaries of our comfort zones by trying things that scare us, the broader our beliefs become, making more possible.
Page,
I’ve had guests all week and they’ll leave on Fri. I have a week off and then more company for the last week of March. My monkey mind seems to think I should be online or I’ll be missing out. The first day was difficult, then I got beyond it. When I worry about the future, I discount all the good in the present. How silly is that?
Tess, I feel the same way. If I’m at home but busy with the kids, my monkey mind keeps wanting to get online to see what I’m missing. But days when I have to be at a job all day, busy with the work that the job entails, I don’t have time to think much about my online world – and I don’t worry about it. The same online world happens in either case but I see and feel them completely differently.
I’m getting better at catching myself worrying about a future that doesn’t exist. At that point, I remind myself that I’m missing the greatness in front of me, as you said.
Have a wonderful time being present with your guests. The online world will still be there when you have time to return to it.
Thanks so much Tess!
This is awesome Paige. I went through the same experience. I work for myself, and I love what I do. But I’ve always associated work, even when I loved it, with lots of stress and deadlines and pushing. I realized that even though I made my own schedule, set my own to do list, loved working with clients and writing, that my mind was creating this sense of urgency, of running out of time and of HAVING TO do things. So, I would dread many tasks that I actually loved. It made no sense. But because this is how I make my living, my mind connected it with lots of nasty feelings. Once I figured this out, I was able to decouple it. But it wasn’t easy, because I didn’t know an alternative way to feel. I’ve never been good at balance. I’m usually either ALL work or ALL play. Doing work that I LOVED made that compartmentalization impossible. I’m still figuring it out, but a lot of that stress is gone. Phew!
I’m glad I’m not the only one that went through that, he, he.
Huge hugs!
Melody
Wow Melody! Your situation sounds exactly like me. Somehow we’re programmed that work shouldn’t be fun and we push and make it hard. Once again you’ve shown a new light on the situation allowing me to see it completely differently with the feeling that there really is an answer. The big message that I constantly remind myself of is to FEEL GOOD! Figuring out how to feel good about my job as well as my online ventures as I do them is the key.
Thank you so much for your awesome comment!!
I love how the mind is likened to a monkey across cultures. 🙂 Well…We also have a saying about a flower garland in a monkey’s hand (guess what it will do!). I often give my own monkey mind a swift kick in the pants, especially when it comes up with words like “impossible” “doubts” “fears” “not good enough’. But I also hug it when it is is optimistic and believes everything is possible.
Choosing to do the things that bring joy can be a very relative thing in reality – based on our mood at the time. Some trivial and silly things take on epic importance for no reason at all sometimes. 🙂 Overcoming – oh! 🙂 So long as we do that eight times out of ten, I guess it is okay!
The entire series was great, Paige. Maybe you should offer it as a mini-ebook.
Thanks Vidya! I’m actually working on developing each of the series into its own program and then putting them all together when they’re all done. But I think putting them into a smaller book is a great idea (my next free offer)!
Thinking of the visual of a monkey with a garland, I thought of the Curious George cartoon character. With small children in the house, we watch a lot of Curious George. As he gets into all kinds of mischief, at the end we always jokingly say to each other, “That’s why you don’t let your monkey…(whatever he was left alone to do in that episode)” We could definitely apply that to our own monkey minds. That’s why you don’t let your monkey mind run loose, alone in your head! He’ll get into all kinds of trouble.
Taming the monkey mind is a constant practice. No one will ever completely tame or get rid of him. Choose to feel good and happy no matter what’s flying around in our heads or in our lives. That’s my daily goal.
This is a great post, its true that we can quite easily change the way our minds work in that we can amend the way we react to some situations and by doing this improve our day to day lives without really much effort. I have been applying this logic for a few months and it really works for me.
It’s amazing what a difference these small shifts can make, Krissy. So many people aren’t aware (or don’t take the moment to notice) their own thoughts and reactions and keep repeating the same unproductive ones. I was one of those people for far too many years. 🙂
indeed – i’ve learnt to control my monkey mind who keeps telling me negative things will happen. had to challenge my thoughts.. much better now but need more practice!
Noch Noch
It’s a constant practice, Noch Noch. We can’t rid ourselves of our monkey minds but, with practice, we can learn to tame it.
Our thinking mind can often cloud our awareness. It’s constant chatter gets in the way of clear perception.
I totally agree, Steven. The chattering monkey likes to pretend that it knows what’s in our best interest but 99% of the time it’s wrong.
Nice post Paige and I liked the site too. I love mindfulness meditation. I’m thinking about going on another 10 day retreat in February. There is nothing like developing the ability to be just watchful of the mind. Doing so just releases the old habitual mind patterns, which have kept us in bondage for years!
So true Hiten! You’re blessed to be able to take advantage of something like a 10 day retreat to focus the mind.
Questioning our thinking leads to much freedom and happiness!
I like the idea of doing what brings joy first. I hadn’t thought of it from that angle, also being someone programmed with the old thinking.
Analyzing whether tasks even need to be done is another way to reduce stress and free up time for fun. It seems that so much of what we think we have to accomplish is really make-work with no lasting benefit. When I used to have more to do than was humanly possible (full-time job outside the home, full-time college load and five kids) I often determined if something was really that important by asking myself whether it would matter in 10 years. If not, it might not need to be done at all.
I love your thinking Crystal! I definitely get caught up in make-work sometimes (I think email can fall into that category). Another way of looking at things in addition to asking if it would matter in 10 years is: What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? We get so caught up in the way things should be (according to who?) that we forget that there can be other, easier and more fun ways.
Thank you for reminding me that my workload isn’t as much as I may think it is. Full time job, full time college and 5 kids – WOW! You go girl!!
Well, Paige, that was then and this is now – I truthfully don’t know how I did it. Now that the kids are all grown and I’m “retired”, I look back and wonder if I was superwoman or just plain crazy! Probably more of the latter than the former. Anyway, the kids turned out well and I get to relax and enjoy being a granny. Life is good!