In my last post, I wrote about general aspects of how I have taken personal responsibility in my life.
Another aspect of taking responsibility for myself is knowing that I’m not responsible for others. When someone lashes out at me, instead of taking it personally and getting upset, I first ask myself what’s going on with that person? Are they stressed about something? Did someone else set them off earlier and I’m seeing the repercussions? Or do they just have issues that I’ll never fully understand? That last one is the one I usually go with.
If you’re in a relationship that isn’t going the way you want, stop complaining about how the other person isn’t giving you what you need. First of all, do they even know what you need? Do you really know what you need? If you know, have you told the other person? No, they shouldn’t just know. No matter how long you’ve been together. You know the old saying about ass-u-me-ing things.
If they know what you want, do they know how to give it to you in a way that registers with you? For example, if you want the other person to show you that they love you, there are many ways to do that. Flowers, intimate conversations, just physically being there, doing helpful things for the other person, etc. While I love to receive flowers and feel that they show my husband’s love for me, if I bought flowers for him, it wouldn’t go over as well. He needs intimate conversations. I’ve been frustrated spending my time doing what I thought were helpful things for him to show him that I cared (because that’s what registers for me). Because of his different view of the world, he appreciated the things I did but they didn’t register as ways of showing love.
We all look at and interpret life, people and experiences very differently based on our own personal views and a lifetime of experiences.
Ask yourself what you can do to help the other person give you what you want and need. Don’t leave it up to them. If you do, you will almost never be happy. Would you rather be right or happy?
When I truly understood what taking personal responsibility meant, my relationship with my husband and almost everything in my life changed radically for the better.
There are few things that really fluster me. I know that I can control very little in this world. I can’t control other people, the weather, my genes, the government, the economy or much else. I’m OK with that. I can control me – my thoughts, feelings and actions.
As soon as I gave up trying to control everything and everyone else and just focused on what I could do to make myself happier, life got a whole lot easier and happier.
Giving up resisting the way things are (things I can’t control) accomplishes the same wonderful thing.
This may sound kind of selfish but it’s the most giving gesture. It allows others to be who they are, which is huge.
By taking steps toward my own happiness, by default I’m making other people happier. By accepting people and situations for who and what they are and not trying to change them, we’re all free to take our own personal responsibility.
Stop judging others because they don’t live up to your expectations of them. Your expectations are just a story you made up based on your personal life experiences.
It’s amazing how the world around you changes for the better when you stop trying to change and resist it and focus on yourself and making yourself happy.
And don’t we all just want to be happy?
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To your happiness! ~Paige
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Hi Paige!
My immediate reaction to someone blowing up is exactly the same as yours! My first thought is, “What’s wrong with him/her?” This helps so much. And I have to say that usually it is the person blowing up that has something wrong with their perception or personality or character or the like.
But I also have to admit that when I make myself see the situation from their point of view, once in a while I get where they’re coming from and a sincere apology helps soothe things over.
But while I’m sorry for my contribution to the conflict, I also know I’m a pretty decent guy (I tell myself anyway :)), so anything I may have said or done is somewhere in the area of human idiosyncrasies, not horrific sins of destruction. So I never beat myself up or let it rob me of happiness despite the role I played. In other words, I still look at the blowup as an overreaction to a small matter even when I did indeed help create the small matter.
Love this post, Paige.
Thanks so much Ken! We all have our own issues and idiosyncrasies that we share with our worlds. The important part is taking responsibility for them and the results they bring. It certainly sounds like you’re doing that without turning the whole thing into a big guilt trip, which would be completely unnecessary. If we do something wrong, we own up to it, do what we can to fix it and move on.
And I think you’re pretty awesome doing what you do!!
Paige,
I often remind myself that the vast majority of people are not out to hurt me, they are just so wrapped up in their own thoughts and lives that they don’t even realize what they are doing.
The driver that cuts you off on the freeway doesn’t have anything against you, they are just in such a hurry they didn’t even see you.
When we understand that it isn’t personal, it is much easier to forgive.
Thanks for the great post.
Mike
Thanks Mike!
It’s funny how everyone is so concerned about what other people think of them while the reality is that everyone else is so concerned about how others perceive them that they don’t really care what you look or act like. The judgments of others is really meaningless.
Very peaceful, relaxing post Paige.
This is something I definitely struggle with. I set expectations for people that are completely absurd. But it really is just a reflection of my self doubt.
I’m going to take your advice today and put it to use. See if I can change the way I view the people around me.
Thanks Brandon!
Please let me know how it goes!
I find that looking at people and situations from a child’s point of view, unfettered with years of programming, really opens my eyes to things I never allowed myself to see before. This also leads me to appreciate others for who they are which makes all of us happier.
The simpler we can make life, the happier we are.
Thanks, Piage, this article really hit home for me.
Your sentence about, “Stop judging others because they don’t live up to your expectations of them. Your expectations are just a story you made up based on your personal life experiences.”
That is so true. A lot goes back to what we are used to from childhood – good or bad.
And in this I have to learn to stop expecting people to be what I want them to be and accept them for who they are. It certainly will make my life much easier. And THAT in itself is a big step for my happiness.
Thanks for an inspiring article,
Ginny ThePennyFriends.com
Ginny,
I wish you all the happiness in the world!
I think the first step is accepting ourselves unconditionally. Until we do that, it’s hard to accept others fully. And accepting yourself certainly leads to happiness.
Paige