You hate being judged but it’s happening all the time.
You’re in a meeting or in front of a group of people. Everyone is looking at you. Your normally calm demeanor turns to anxiety and stress over possibly screwing up.
You’re in the presence of people you look up to – celebrities, higher up’s at work or people with more age and experience. You freeze up. Suddenly your inner child is running your mind, doing anything it can to seek approval.
You crave acceptance and approval and will do almost anything to get it.
Judgment is the opposite of acceptance and approval.
We judge others against our expectations and others do the same to us. We humans seem to have a hard time accepting people and environments as they are.
We judge everything as better or (more likely) worse than our expectations. This says something about how frequently our expectations are off base, yet we cling to them as “right.”
These judgments wreak havoc on our happiness.
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown
If things and people aren’t as we expect (and they usually aren’t), then we decide that we can’t be happy. That’s a sure-fire recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness.
What Is Enough?
We judge ourselves as not enough in so many ways. Not pretty, smart, tall, thin, rich, powerful, confident (you get the picture) enough.
What is enough anyway?
Who gets to decide what enough is and why should we listen to them?
For most of us, enough is never enough. We’re so busy trying to be something other than who and what we are in the present moment.
We constantly judge ourselves as not what we should be. As a result, we’re always striving for something else. Unfortunately, we have no idea what that “something else” is.
It’s time to slow down and define what enough means to us. Where are we headed so fast?
Nobody “out there” gets to decide what enough means for us. Only we can decide for ourselves.
And, until we decide, we’ll never be enough or have enough. Without a goal or end point clearly defined, our lives will be all about the chase with a constant uneasiness about “never getting there.”
If we don’t know where “there” is, we’ll never arrive.
Enough is Enough!
It’s time to end this race to nowhere.
Defining what enough means for us requires us to accept ourselves for who and what we are.
By creating an achievable destination, we’re agreeing that there will be an end to the striving for more and we’ll have to be content with things as they are.
Are you ready to do that? If not, why not?
If you are ready, can you decide that you’re there now? If not, why not?
Society programs us to believe that more, bigger and better is the goal and that this goal is never achievable. As soon as we get or become more, we’re supposed to get and be more on top of that. Where does it end?
I’m not saying that we should stop living, growing and experiencing all that life can offer. Not at all.
I’m suggesting that we stop judging ourselves as not enough. Stop killing ourselves to be something different. Instead, let’s enjoy the process of growing for its own sake instead of doing it to achieve an unachievable goal of what others think we should be.
So what if we’re not meeting someone else’s expectations? That person probably isn’t meeting their own expectations of themselves.
What will happen if we don’t get the complete acceptance and approval from the important people in our lives?
Answer: Our lives will be exactly as they are today.
Making New Choices
You can choose a lifetime of unhappiness and “not enough-ness” that goes along with seeking your own validation through other people.
Or you can know that happiness and enough-ness come when you accept and approve of yourself, without needing outside, subjective validation.
If this feels like a tall order for you, here’s a way to change your views and beliefs about all those people from whom you’re so desperately seeking approval, love and acceptance.
The next time you’re in their presence, look deeply into their eyes. Connect with them at a heart level.
Instead of looking at them as a thing on a pedestal, know that they are a human just like you with struggles and stresses and a longing to be accepted by people like you.
If they scoff at you or put you down in any way, they are simply acting out of their own fears and insecurities. They see you as a threat (yes, little old you). Feel compassion for them as they search for ways of dealing with their own fears.
Instead of focusing on yourself and how you might not know enough or be enough, simply shift your focus to others. Focus on what they may need. Focus on how you can approve of and accept them. Focus on how you can help them.
You Are Enough
Shifting your focus to others allows you to open your heart and mind to be more compassionate with others.
When you can accept others exactly how they are with no judgment, you’ll find it much easier to accept yourself and choose happiness in your own life.
Decide that you’re enough right here, right now, exactly as you are. Other people and more experiences can’t make you complete or enough.
Relationships and experiences will add many layers of richness to your life but can’t make you complete.
Grow, learn and achieve in order to serve others with your expanding gifts, not to strive for unattainable ideas of being enough.
Focus on all the gifts you currently possess that people love about you. Do what you can to grow those gifts.
Stop worrying about your weaknesses and all the places you see yourself as not enough.
Grow the gifted, strong parts of yourself in ways that feel good for you.
The world is waiting for you share your gifts.
You are enough.
Visit my Recommended Resources page where I post the latest list of books, programs, and products that I’ve found to be particularly helpful in growing your mindfulness and meditation practices.
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The Mindful Living Guide
What about people who grew up severely neglected? Both physically and emotionally? There is a terrible feeling of emptiness and depletion that has followed me all my life. Mental health counselors tell me to reparent myself, nurture myself, be enough, but it’s close to impossible when you weren’t given nurturing in the first place. We need a community of people and support, and it’s not okay that our society insists that we should be able to be enough on our own first and then love will follow. This reinforces individualism and alienation and erodes the understanding that we need a tribe and a community.
Mel,
I completely agree with the importance of community. It’s part of our human nature to need others in our lives and it’s been scientifically proven to improve health and longevity. Loving, nurturing and accepting yourself aren’t ways of reinforcing individualism. I’ve certainly found in my own life that, if you can’t love and accept yourself, you’ll be unhappy hoping that someone else can do it for you. It’s not anyone else’s job to love you or make you happy. And even if they do, it won’t be the perfection you’re looking for.
When you care for yourself, you open the door to others doing the same and, in community, everyone is happier and can better care for each other. Assuming that it has to come from someone else will always lead to unhappiness.
Given your upbringing, I would recommend being part of a community that can support each other while learning to support themselves. You’re right – we can’t do it alone, but it is a very personal journey. In helping others, you can learn to help yourself. Giving to a community or to even one individual can help you to heal yourself.
Great post, I recall a long time ago reading a self help blog and it suggested making a list of everything you dont like about yourself. Once you have completed that list go over it and cross off anything that you cant change about yourself. once you do that you have probably cut the list of things you need to work on down by half, its an approach I like!
That’s a great idea Kay! Thanks for sharing it! The process of writing down those negative thoughts that swirl around our heads is very powerful. For one, it helps us to look at those thoughts more objectively so we can see them for what they are instead of all wrapped up in emotions. Once they’re on paper, you can do something about them, as you’ve suggested.
Paige, wonderful column and education on the transition that takes place in all of us. There ought to be a critical comments dump everyone can stick the head trash of the world and the emotional ice that stops people from interacting properly with each other. We could then blast it into the nowhere zone of space forever. Of course, this solution may not work because then we would be accused of being global polluters! Guess we have to find a better solution.
Great idea Jeff! Maybe instead of taking out the trash we convert the trash to treasure (a sort of alchemy). Re-use and recycle.
Instead of “out with the old” maybe we try transforming what we do with the incoming crap in order to turn it into something better. For example, if you’re in an argument, the old programming says to take the energy being thrown at you and lob it right back, further escalating the negative energies. What if you let that negative energy pass you by – get out of its way – so it never hits you? Or simply observe it objectively for an insight or idea without getting all tied up in it.
It’s all about seeing things differently and making different choices. Simple but not always easy but a very worthwhile practice.
Great post Paige I really like it , thank you so much for sharing this useful tips with us .
I like what Ben said in his comment …………. I believe it’s one of the most important learnings we can take on… “I am enough”.
Thank you Rachid! This has been a big lesson for me and I see so many others who need to know that they are so much more than enough.
Paige, I enjoyed this first post of yours that I’ve read; awash with all those tones of acceptance and non-judgmentalism that the human mind finds so calming but yet so few of us put into practice.
Craving for approval is of course, a deep-rooted survival instinct, in an evolutionary sense there to nurture protective bonds. The problem is, as you rightly noted, it’s an instinct that often runs haywire. And the judgemental mindset that arises out of such approval seeking – towards ourselves, other people, our circumstances and the world in which we live – creates such an all pervading discord in our lives.
So I thought your advice to focus your attention outward instead of inward through a mindset of acceptance compassion towards others was sage advice; one that truly can reverberate through one’s own sense of self. Ultimately offering that sense of peace that always seems to remain so elusive when constantly striving to be or achieve more.
All that came through wonderfully in your post. The only place I think we differ in opinion is with your reference to goals: – “And, until we decide, we’ll never be enough or have enough. Without a goal or end point clearly defined, our lives will be all about the chase with a constant uneasiness about “never getting there.” If we don’t know where “there” is, we’ll never arrive.”
Personally, my acceptance of myself has to be entirely non-goal dependant. I strive to improve as I consider that a natural facet of humanity, but for me there is no end destination – no goal per se – just a journey.
Thanks so much for your beautiful comment, Gareth! Regarding goals, I didn’t mean that we have to be tied to one end point. Many people tend to spend so much effort on getting somewhere but, for the most part, they don’t even know where they’re going. They simply think that “here” isn’t good enough or where they’re supposed to be so they struggle to get “there” but they’re never happy or satisfied because they don’t know what their “there” looks or feels like.
I’m saying that “here and now” is enough. If you can’t be happy with your here and now, you’ll never be happy. If your life here and now isn’t enough, it can never be enough.
We’re always growing and improving as part of our journey but happiness and enough-ness are never found “there.” They are always right here. We simply have to acknowledge and accept that.
Thanks so much for your response Paige; and especially for taking the time to elaborate on my misinterpretation. In fact, I was pretty sure that it was a misinterpretation on my part; so I was hoping you’d set me straight 🙂
I wholeheartedly agree with you. That all consuming sense of dissatisfaction is born out of the incessant desire to attain something “out there” . And that’s the real paradox, because in that pursuit of “out there” satisfaction we cause our own suffering.
It’s an ethos that has led to a great deal more peace and contentment in my own life; and it’s always a pleasure to meet someone with the same Buddhist leanings.
Kind Regards, Gareth
It’s great to meet a new member of the ever-growing community of people spreading the word on how simple it is to find our own happiness. I’m working to instill this in my three children to plant the seeds for our future.
Namaste
Paige,
This is a topic I never tire of. So many of us grew up with that critical voice of our parents drilled into us. We take it wherever we go as adults. We also learn that “judging others” is normal. I’ve had to undo a lot of damage that was instilled by my upbringing. I’m a work in progress like most people. One of the big lessons I continue to learn is to not judge myself so harshly and to not judge others. Doing this – although imperfectly – has freed me in so many ways.
Thank you for this great post and reminder to get off the “judgement train!”
We have so much in common Angela. I’ve had to make some very tough decisions that have led to detaching myself from members of my family because their critical voices continue to follow me (in reality as well as in my head). The less I hear them on the phone, the easier it is to move forward and away from self-judgment.
I like how you say that we’re all a work in progress. That’s so true. Mindfulness, using our intuition, making more conscious choices… these are all practices that we practice each day. There is no perfection. There is no end point. We all follow our own paths of change and development and notice and reward ourselves for our progress instead of judging ourselves for how far we still have to go. Knowing that we’ll never get “there” (wherever that is) frees us to enjoy the ride.
As someone said, we speak our destiny with our words and our thoughts. This is an important article, especially in certain cultures and environments. We are rewarded, in a backwards sort of way, for being judgmental of others and of ourselves. When we see this for what it really is, then we can begin to detach ourselves from these habits and make a different choice. (I’m coming late to the party because I’ve been away taking care of some family matters. So glad to catch up with you!)
Welcome back Galen! There’s no “late” around here. I could say that I’m “late” getting my next post out but I’d rather deliver quality than quantity and things in my life have been too crazy to focus lately. That’s about to change though.
I like how you say, “see this for what it really is.” That’s what so much of mindfulness is about – slowing down to notice what’s really happening. And when you really notice, you realize that there’s never a need for judgment because all judgment comes from fear. It’s hard to reverse this habit that seems to have been ingrained in almost all of us since birth but it’s liberating when we can do it.
We would never dream of speaking to a neighbor like some of us speak to ourselves, Paige. And yet so many people put themselves down day after day, year after year. And after a while, they build up such a convincing case against themselves, that it’s a wonder they ever even get out of bed!
And then there are those who make it a favorite pastime to criticize other people’s fashion sense and makeup and kids and homes and whatever else they can think to critique. They spend so much time in such negativity, they don;t even realize the harm they’re doing to their own souls and happiness.
So your post here is such an important message. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you so much Ken! Spending time spewing negativity on ourselves or others will never make anyone any happier. Regardless who the recipient of the negativity is, the one projecting it is doing so out of a sense of their own lack of self-esteem, their own “not enough-ness.”
The more we can build our “enough-ness” muscles, the more we can support others in doing the same. And that’s what brings happiness to the projector and the recipient.
From my consideration this post is very educative for me. I’m having same sort of problems you discussed at the top of your article. Everyday in my office I’m facing judgment day, all my friends and seniors are makes me hyper asking so many weird questions to check my present mind. Anyways thanks for providing helpful ways, I think such inspiration will help me to handle critical situation nicely.
I’m very glad this post is helpful for you William! In addition to knowing that you’re always enough, also know that whatever others think and feel about you is really all about them. Don’t ever take anything personally. Other people project their own issues on other people. If others judge you harshly, they’re doing it to make themselves feel better because they’re probably judging themselves pretty harshly.
You’re awesome just the way you are!
Thank you.
I agree with the idea of trying to see other people as humans, with the same needs that I have. And it works. It also makes me feel closer to people in general.
That’s wonderful that you’ve discovered this, Maya! I’m starting to notice how much we see people through the masks that we and others create. Looking deeply into people’s eyes when we speak with them to see what’s inside instead of what we’re supposed to see on the surface puts us all on the same field of humans living our lives together. We’re all awesome and we need to acknowledge that.
Great column Paige. I guess I will have to pass it on to others in need and suggest they subscribe to your blog instead of discoursing over a cup of coffee with you!
Thanks Jeff! It’s great to see you here! I certainly appreciate the referrals. It would be great to catch up over coffee again soon!
I love how you point out that while we’re running around freaking out about how we’re not enough, and thinking those others out there are so much ‘more’ – those very same people are experiencing the same insecurities and feelings of ‘not enough-ness.”
Your point is true and well-taken (and who among us doesn’t have to remind ourselves again and again?): We have the power to make the CHOICE to feel happy, to feel like enough – or not. It all comes down to that choice inside.
This post so resonates with the book I’m reading now, “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. She talks about this very topic of ‘enough’ being enough – and we can all access it by making the choice to live wholeheartedly, to take some risks and show our true selves. But everyone wants to wait for someone else to go first – for fear of being exposed as being ‘not enough’!
Hey Sarah! That sounds like a great book! I love Brene Brown (I have her “I choose authenticity” badge in the sidebar to the right here).
Everything in life is a choice when we learn to take responsibility for our lives.
Reading your line about waiting for everyone else reminds me of the YouTube video where one guy gets up and starts dancing by himself, completely not caring about making a fool of himself. Within a couple minutes, he’s got a huge mob joining in. All it took was for one person to step out, take a risk and show himself. Then all the others followed. http://youtu.be/fW8amMCVAJQ
What kind of movements can we each create when we step out and show our True Selves? Thanks for the inspiration Sarah!
I believe it’s one of the most important learnings we can take on… “I am enough”.
Unfortunately in front of that is all the limiting programming from society, from others, from our past experiences and growing up. I see it as a journey of letting go of those things and really letting the “I AM ENOUGH” to shine through.
The more I am able to accept that I am enough the better my life is and the happier I am!
-Ben
So true, Ben! Sometimes I wonder how the whole “enough” thing even started in our societal programming and why people would want it to exist in the first place. Unfortunately, it goes back many, many generations.
The more we can practice living knowing that we’re enough and being that example to our kids, the more we can begin to shift the societal programming to something much happier.
You’re definitely enough!
Thank you for these reminders, Paige! I do try not to judge and try not to care if I feel others are judging me. That part can be hard though! Great tips on how to see yourself as enough, too!
Thanks!
xoxo
Betsy
Not judging or feeling judgment at some level is very difficult, Betsy. We just have to remember not to judge ourselves when we do. I know you’re setting an awesome example for your kids! Big Hugs!
Like running on the hamster wheel, Bobbi. The quest for enough never ends. Realizing that we’re running in the wheel is the first step. The next is to make the choice to step off. For many, this is a difficult choice that leads to a million “what if” fears raising their ugly heads. Fortunately, most of those fears are completely unfounded once we face them.
I like the response that I’ve heard many others use. When people make a statement like “I’ll never be good enough,” respond with “What if you were?” It helps to shift people’s minds past the big block they throw in front of themselves and open the door to possibilities.
Thanks so much for everything! You’re awesome!!
In my therapy work, I run into a lot of thinking that “I’ll never be good enough.” Your ideas here work for that thought, too. What is “enough”, anyway? And when we reach what we previously thought would be “enough”, won’t there just be more that we add on to the definition?
Ugh! A maddening circle!
I think we are often our own worst critics. We get judged by others several times a day, yet we judge ourselves hundreds or thousands of times a day. That makes it really important that we decide we are good enough. We need to replace those negative thoughts about ourselves with positive ones so that we can change the self-criticism into self-praise.
You’re exactly right, Eric! I like the practice of speaking to and treating yourself as if you were your own child or best friend. The level of self-criticism would decrease substantially.
I love how you say that we “decide we are good enough.” We don’t need to convince ourselves (if we tried, our subconscious mind would look for evidence to the contrary). Deciding is much more effective.
Thanks so much Eric!
Lovely work Paige and great looking website. What does “not enough” mean anyway and how did we figure out we”re not enough in the first place. It’s great when you get to that place and find the resources to help figure it out. I have a friend who is a psychic and when she gave me a reading last year she told me I already had enough to go forward with what I wanted to do. I understood completely what she was saying but I had to mindfully get to that place myself – and now I have.
I totally agree with Keith above. That was exactly the turning point for me.
Deborah,
I’m so glad your friend was able to give you what you needed to move forward. I completely understand that it’s a process to move from intellectually knowing something and feeling deep in your core.
When I had had enough (pun intended) of feeling ‘not enough,’ I sat down and started journaling about it. It took me a while to get there but it was like a bolt of lightening when I finally realized that “enough” isn’t anything but a figment of my imagination.
Like a fear, once we stop to look directly at it, examine it closely and have a conversation with it, we realize how trivial it truly is.
And, yes, focusing on others in healthy ways is completely transformative.
Thank you Deborah! Hugs!!
We humans have a hard time accepting people and environments as they are.
From an early age we compare ourselves with others so that we can be accepted into a certain school, sporting team, profession.
And when it does not work out we don’t have enough of whatever it takes.
Thus begins the judgment of ourselves as being or having enough, or others for not providing enough to support our endevour.
I began by simply noticing when this occurred, when I judged myself or others for not being good enough.
I continue to be amazed at how often i do this to myself, partner, family, friends and others in so many subtle ways every day.
The hardest part of mindfulness is noticing without judgment. As you’ve mentioned, Priska, society programs us to judge ourselves and others. The first step in creating any change is noticing and it sounds like you’re well on your way as you notice your own thoughts. Being mindful, we need to ensure that we don’t judge ourselves for judging others. Mindfulness is simply about noticing and making a choice based on what we notice – without judging.
If we find ourselves judging (and it’s practically impossible to never judge), we notice it and, without beating ourselves up about it, decide to make a more focused effort in the future to not judge. No guilt.
Thanks so much for sharing this Priska! Hugs!!
You definitely hit the nail on the head with this article. “Shifting your focus to others allows you to open your heart and mind to be more compassionate with others.” For me this is the cornerstone upon which all other efforts are built. I have found that things seem to fall into place, and come much easier, when my eyes are not on myself, but on others. Very good post!
Thank you so much Keith! That’s an awesome cornerstone to work from! I think we social creatures are meant to look for ways to help others. Unfortunately, society reinforces that we need to judge and fix our “faults” which keeps us thinking that we’re not enough and keeps the focus on ourselves instead of others.
There’s also a difference between serving others in a way that feeds us and “making everybody happy” in a way that drains us. Making everybody happy is a way to seek approval and acceptance. Even though we’re draining ourselves doing things for others, it’s an attempt to please others so we can attempt to gain their acceptance instead of simply a great thing to do.
Lots of nuances to all these concepts.