<!--www.crestaproject.com Social Button in Content Start--><div id="crestashareiconincontent" class="cresta-share-icon fourth_style"><div class="sbutton crestaShadow facebook-cresta-share" id="facebook-cresta-c"><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.simplemindfulness.com%2Fdifficult-people-teachers%2F&;t=3+Ways+We+Can+Learn+From+Difficult+People" title="Share on Facebook" onclick="window.open(this.href,'targetWindow','toolbars=0,location=0,status=0,menubar=0,scrollbars=1,resizable=1,width=640,height=320,left=200,top=200');return false;"><i class="cs c-icon-cresta-facebook"></i></a></div><div class="sbutton crestaShadow twitter-cresta-share classic-icon" id="twitter-cresta-c"><a rel="nofollow" href="https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=3+Ways+We+Can+Learn+From+Difficult+People&;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.simplemindfulness.com%2Fdifficult-people-teachers%2F&;via=SimpleMindfulns" title="Share on Twitter" onclick="window.open(this.href,'targetWindow','toolbars=0,location=0,status=0,menubar=0,scrollbars=1,resizable=1,width=640,height=320,left=200,top=200');return false;"><i class="cs c-icon-cresta-twitter"></i></a></div><div class="sbutton crestaShadow linkedin-cresta-share" id="linkedin-cresta-c"><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?mini=true&;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.simplemindfulness.com%2Fdifficult-people-teachers%2F&;title=3+Ways+We+Can+Learn+From+Difficult+People&;source=https://www.simplemindfulness.com/" title="Share to LinkedIn" onclick="window.open(this.href,'targetWindow','toolbars=0,location=0,status=0,menubar=0,scrollbars=1,resizable=1,width=640,height=320,left=200,top=200');return false;"><i class="cs c-icon-cresta-linkedin"></i></a></div><div class="sbutton crestaShadow pinterest-cresta-share" id="pinterest-cresta-c"><a rel="nofollow" href="javascript:void((function()%7Bvar%20e=document.createElement(&apos;script&apos;);e.setAttribute(&apos;type&apos;,&apos;text/javascript&apos;);e.setAttribute(&apos;charset&apos;,&apos;UTF-8&apos;);e.setAttribute(&apos;src&apos;,&apos;https://assets.pinterest.com/js/pinmarklet.js?r=&apos;+Math.random()*99999999);document.body.appendChild(e)%7D)());" title="Share on Pinterest"><i class="cs c-icon-cresta-pinterest"></i></a></div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><div style="clear: both;"></div><!--www.crestaproject.com Social Button in Content End--><p><em>“</em><em>Be</em><em> </em><em>thankful for all the</em><em> </em><em>difficult people</em><em> </em><em>in your life, and learn from them. They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be.” &#8211; Unknown</em></p>
<p>I wrote an <a title="Dealing With Difficult People" href="https://www.simplemindfulness.com/deal-with-difficult-people/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">earlier (very popular) post</a> about effective ways of dealing with difficult people. I described how to work through interactions with these people to change the usual negative outcomes into something more positive. At the end, I opened the door to the opportunities that these interactions offer us to learn more about ourselves.</p>
<p>Difficult people give us a chance to see ourselves differently. They reflect our dark parts back to us, stirring up deep emotions from fears we try hard to hide. It’s time we learned to open ourselves to their gifts.</p>
<p>Here are three ways we can learn from difficult encounters with other people.</p>
<h2>1. Going To Your Dark Side</h2>
<p>Difficult people wouldn’t bother us so much if there wasn’t something similar inside ourselves that was bothering us.</p>
<p>If you seem to be surrounded by difficult people or they show up frequently in your work and personal life, ask yourself what lessons you need to learn from them. These people will continue to show up for you until you take responsibility for your own being.</p>
<p>Catch yourself the next time you think or say, “It drives me crazy when people do/say…” There’s a nugget waiting to be discovered.</p>
<p>When was the last time you did/said that same thing? Maybe you can’t remember. I’ve seen people completely deny saying and doing things that the people around them observed. They deny it because their beliefs about themselves wouldn’t allow them to see themselves doing or saying those things. It sounds crazy, but I’ve experienced it on more than a few occasions.</p>
<p>For example, one person harshly criticizes another person. The criticized person repeats the criticism back verbatim and the criticizer denies saying anything like that. The criticizer sees themselves as a warm and caring person who couldn’t speak such harsh words. But they did speak those harsh words.</p>
<p>Open your mind to the possibility that you have those difficult qualities. If you didn’t, those difficult people wouldn’t bother you so much.</p>
<p>Look for that dark part of you that you try so hard to hide from the rest of the world. The more you try to hide it, the more havoc it will wreak on your life.</p>
<p>Take some time to be quiet with yourself. <a href="https://www.simplemindfulness.com/start-your-meditation-practice/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Meditate</a>. Journal. Walk. Run.</p>
<p>Start a dialogue with that dark part of yourself. Ask it what it’s so scared of, why it’s hiding. Give it a safe place to be. Welcome it into the light. Talk with it as if it were a trusted friend. Listen deeply to the messages it gives you. Don’t allow your own fears to smother the messages by telling it that “everything will be okay.” This will only push that dark part of you back into its cave. You want it out in the light, revealing itself. That’s how you can see that it’s a friend, someone trying to help you. Learn everything you can from it and feel its love.</p>
<p>Once you fully accept that dark part of you as a friend and guide and it no longer retreats to its cave in fear, those kinds of difficult people will stop bothering you.</p>
<h2>2. Hot Buttons</h2>
<p>When someone hits one of your hot buttons, instead of reacting instinctively with anger or defensiveness and creating the same old argument, take a deep breath and consider why it’s a hot button. What fears or painful memories have you not dealt with? Whose ways of being have you subconsciously adopted that no longer work for you but you haven’t admitted it to yourself? What parts of you are you trying to hide that others can see?</p>
<p>My husband and I repeated many of the same arguments until I opened myself to this concept. He knew what my hot buttons were and would strike whenever he felt threatened. And I did the same.</p>
<p>Our relationship got to an extremely low point when I lost the will to argue. I was so tired of repeating the same negative patterns that I finally softened up and started <a href="https://www.simplemindfulness.com/your-best-weapon/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">looking for alternatives</a>.</p>
<p>I thought: My husband is a pretty sharp guy. Why would he make up things about me to argue over? Yes, he was seeing me through his own lens, colored by his past, but could there be something there that I’ve missed all these years?</p>
<p>It’s so hard to see ourselves objectively. We see what we believe and our beliefs are clouded by a lifetime of false perceptions. If we were told that we weren’t very bright by our second grade teacher, we can carry that with us throughout our lives. It turns into beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not smart enough” or “I’ll never achieve anything.” Even if the evidence in our life says otherwise, we carry those old beliefs with us and become blind to contrary facts.</p>
<p>I started to examine my hot buttons. I began to peel off the layers of false beliefs that hid my own truth from me. Instead of getting defensive and responding with such productive phrases as, “That’s just the way I am,” I looked for a different way. In many ways, I realized that I didn’t like “the way I am.” It took some courage to see that I had the ability to completely change “the way I am.”</p>
<p>The next time he hit one of those hot buttons, instead of getting defensive, I asked for clarification. I told him that I didn’t want to be that way anymore but I needed his help to change. I needed his objectivity and ideas for different ways of being. I thanked him for highlighting the issues for me and supporting me as I worked through my changes.</p>
<p>And the hot buttons stopped being hot buttons.</p>
<h2>3. Who, Me???</h2>
<p>Have you considered whether you’re the difficult person in other people’s lives? We’re usually so wrapped up in our own lives, fears, and insecurities that we don’t take the time to consider how we affect the people around us.</p>
<p>Do you have a hard time finding people to help you?</p>
<p>Do you frequently argue with others?</p>
<p>Do groups of people disburse or walk away when they see you coming?</p>
<p>Do people you consider to be friends have a hard time making time to see you or speak to you on the phone? They’ll come up with all kinds of polite excuses to get out of spending time with you. Notice if this is happening more often.</p>
<p>Take a closer look at the kinds of friends you’re attracted to. Like attracts like. Are these the kind of person you want to be?</p>
<p>Take a few moments throughout your day to notice how others are responding to you. What do you find?</p>
<p>Rather than blaming others for being however they’re being, <a title="Radical Responsibility – Part 2 (Letting Go)" href="https://www.simplemindfulness.com/radical-responsibility-part-2/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">take responsibility</a> for your part in the interactions.</p>
<p>If you want things to be different, <em>you</em> have to be different <em>first</em>.</p>
<p>Don’t wait for other people and situations to be the way you want first. It won’t happen. That only creates anger and resentment.</p>
<p>Don’t deny someone the loving parts of you because you don’t think they deserve it. Be loving first because it’s the loving thing to do. Enjoy it simply because you’re a loving person. Let the other person react however they want without you taking anything personally.</p>
<h2>Learn From Difficult People and Let Them Be</h2>
<p>If you have recurring issues with difficult people, know that they’re there to help you, to guide you to a better place. Open yourself to their messages. Take responsibility for your part in the drama.</p>
<p>If you build walls around yourself to protect yourself from difficult people, you’ll be laying bricks for the rest of your life. These walls will also cut you off from people who love you and want to support you. It’s a lonely place.</p>
<p>When you understand the messages and act on them, you’ll have no need for walls. You’ll stop attracting the difficult people and situations.</p>
<p>Once you shine the light on your own dark places and give them a loving home, you’ll be loving and accepting yourself as you are. This is the first step toward being able to truly love and accept others for who they are.</p>
<p>And the difficult people will stop being so difficult.</p>
<p>Who can you learn from today? What messages will you open yourself to?</p>
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3 Ways We Can Learn From Difficult People
