As we grow up, we’re programmed to believe that we’re supposed to have our whole life figured out by the time we’re 21 years old.
Here’s the plan:
- Graduate from high school with good grades so you can
- Get into college and graduate so you can
- Get a “good job” where you earn a decent paycheck so you can
- Attract the perfect mate and get married so you can
- Have 2.3 kids, a dog, a big house with a big mortgage so you can
- Live happily ever after.
Has anyone actually done that?
You’re fed this story as you grow up and wonder what’s wrong with you when life doesn’t turn out that way. You think you’re letting yourself and others down when everything doesn’t play out perfectly.
Get over it. Life doesn’t work like that. Life is messy and hard and fun and interesting. It’s a ride to enjoy, not a mission to accomplish.
If you’re feeling the pressure of your family or friends, who are asking what your plans are for the rest of your life, ask them if they had it all figured out at 21, 30 or even 40. If they say “yes,” they’re either lying, or they settled and decided to do what their parents wanted them to do without asking themselves if it was right for them.
- Struggle to make it through high school so you can
- Hopefully get into college and maybe graduate so you can
- Get a low-paying job (if you’re lucky) that you hate that has nothing to do with your major so you can
- Struggle to pay the rent and those giant student loans while you
- Wonder what’s wrong with you and why you don’t have your life all figured out which results in
- Being depressed and anxious which prevents you from
- Finding a mate which causes you to
- Experience deeper depression and anxiety and generally feel like a loser.
I’d like to propose a different approach to life – one that you can actually feel good about.
The first scenario is a huge set of expectations that society thrusts upon you without your buy-in. You take it on because you think it’s what everyone is supposed to do. The myths in the media, school, religion and just about everywhere else pump you full of these ideas.
And when you can’t live up to these expectations (or you don’t want to), you feel bad about it, like there’s something wrong with you. If this is you, you are the majority. Only about 1% of the population actually accomplishes the first plan and most of those aren’t happy.
When I graduated from college over 30 years ago, I thought I had things all figured out. I actually got as far as step 4 in the first plan before I woke up one day and thought, “Is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?” The clear answer was “No!” but I had no idea what I did want. Read my About page for more of that story. You can read much more of my story in my chapter of the book, Winding Road to Freedom: 15 Entrepreneurs Share Their Journey to Financial Freedom. Click the button below to download the chapter:
Life Is An Experiment
Look at your entire life as an opportunity to experiment. Don’t stop experimenting at any age because you think it’s too late or you’re too old to change. It’s never too late.
With each new experience, learn something about yourself. Notice what you’re drawn to and what you don’t like. With your next experiment, do more of what you’re drawn to. There’s no such thing as “failure” if you’re experimenting. You’re always learning.
If you’re not sure what to do next, just do something – anything. Action brings learning and more actions. It doesn’t matter which direction you choose.
When I left my first corporate job many years ago, I followed my intuition that simply said, “Go west and do something with horses.” I had no idea what that meant, but I started by doing something – anything – that fit that description. I tried lots of things. Some worked. Some didn’t. I learned an immense amount about myself in the process.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure it’s something that feels right for you and pushes you a little out of your comfort zone. Don’t worry about making other people happy. It’s your job to live your own life and make yourself happy. Don’t let anyone guilt you into something different.
You don’t have to have anything figured out. There’s no race or finish line. We’re on this earth for a very limited time. Experiment to discover your unique gifts and find ways of sharing them with the world. That’s your only job.
Expectations Are the Root of All Unhappiness
Drop any expectations that you may have or that you think others have of you. Unmet expectations create most negative emotions.
While you’ve been programmed to think that you have to use that college degree, that’s not necessarily the case. What makes your heart sing? How would you love to spend your days? The way the world works now, you can probably find a way to make money doing those things.
A quick Google search can reveal others who are already doing what you dream of. Reach out and connect with those people. They’re waiting for you to ask them how they did it. They want to help you, especially when you can find unique ways to help them.
Being “successful” doesn’t mean having lots of money, a “good job,” a big house or anything like that. Those are all stories that our culture perpetuates yet have been proven to be false. Success means, first and foremost, loving and accepting yourself just as you as right now. Success means loving what you do and using the gifts that you were born with to help others.
Simple Steps to Create Your Own Amazing Life
If you’re struggling to figure out what to do with the rest of your life, my initial suggestion is to stop focusing on yourself and all that’s wrong. Find people who you can help.
What are you good at that you take for granted? What are things that others compliment you on that you think are “no big deal.” Those are your gifts. Find ways to share them.
Using myself as an example, some of my skills are in finances and being analytical yet I love being around creative types (who are usually not the best at finances and analytical thinking). I found an organization that matched people like me with artists who needed help managing their finances. I loved the challenge and loved using my gifts to help people. The artists loved and appreciated not only my helping them with their businesses but also that I understood them as people. I understood and respected how they think.
My next suggestion would be to find the happiness that’s buried inside you. Let it out. Don’t tell yourself that you can’t be happy until the stars align and everything falls perfectly into place. Even if that happened, the happiness would be fleeting.
Being happy is a decision. It doesn’t matter what your situation is. In every moment, you’re choosing how you feel. Practice mindfulness by taking a deep breath and noticing how you feel in the moment. Do you want to feel that way? If not, make a new choice.
Feeling like you’ve let others down is a story you tell yourself. I’m guessing that it’s probably not working very well for you. How about making up a new story that creates more positive feelings in your heart?
If others are telling you that you’ve let them down, ask yourself if you happily agreed to live up to their expectations. Trying to live up to others’ expectations is impossible. It’s the sure-fire path to unhappiness.
You can’t make other people happy. That’s their job. Your job is to make you happy and that comes from inside. If you say, “I’ll be happy when….” then you’ll never be happy. Smile a big smile right now and hold it for at least 30 seconds, even if (especially if) you don’t feel like it. Do that a few times a day.
Find things to be grateful for throughout your day and write them down. Carry a journal or write them in your phone somewhere. Things you can be grateful for now:
- You have people in your life who love you;
- You’re free to change jobs;
- You’re alive and healthy;
- You’re free to start over and make new choices whenever you want;
- You have eyes with which you can see the sky, clouds, flowers and the people around you;
- You have food, clean water and clothes.
Whenever I look at a flower or anything beautiful, I say “thank you” for the opportunity to experience that little bit of beauty.
If you’re grateful for something about another person, by all means, let them know. Do not assume that they already know. You’ll make their day.
While you’re at the job you hate, or (lucky you) while you’re not working and have plenty of time on your hands, experiment a little every day. Journal your innermost thoughts. Ask yourself lots of good questions like those in this article: What Should I Do With My Life? Take classes that interest you, not ones you think will lead to a job.
I recently listened to a podcast by James Altucher who wrote Choose Yourself (which I reviewed HERE and recommend that you read if you’re depressed or anxious) about why college usually isn’t a good idea these days. You can listen to it HERE. While debunking many of the popular myths about college, he also offers a free copy of his guide: 50 Alternatives to College. You can get your free copy HERE.
This is a great tool for anyone at any age wondering what to do with their life. Whether you’re 18 or 58, it applies equally to everyone. The guide offers ideas for experiments that will get you thinking differently and taking action.
I also highly recommend a post by Michael Ellsberg called 8 Steps to Getting What You Want Without Formal Credentials. Michael interviewed a slew of famous and successful people, none of whom went to college. He wrote a book called The Education of Millionaires to summarize his findings.
This post highlights the stories of some of the people he interviewed and gives you a monthly plan to create your own amazing career doing what you love. Read it. You’ll thank me.
Moving from where you are to a better place won’t happen overnight. It won’t happen until you decide to make changes. Take baby steps each day toward how you want your life to be (do you know what you want it to be?). Experiment. Some days will be better than others. Keep taking consistent baby steps in a direction you choose and allow your happiness to grow.
For more ideas, click the button below to download a free chapter of Winding Road to Freedom: 15 Entrepreneurs Share Their Journey to Financial Freedom. Get inspired by others who, despite the odds and their circumstances, created their own versions of success.
Visit my Recommended Resources page where I post the latest list of books, programs, and products that I’ve found to be particularly helpful in growing your mindfulness and meditation practices.
Create the life you want: Combine the law of attraction with mindfulness
The law of attraction suggests that our positive or negative thoughts bring about positive or negative experiences. My latest book, The Mindful Guide to Law of Attraction, pairs that belief with the powerful practices of mindfulness. Through intentional breathing, writing, and engaging, you’ll hone a method for manifesting health, wealth, and love―the elements of happiness.
Let the law of attraction work for you by adopting its basic steps of identifying and visualizing the things you desire. Then use 45 practical meditation techniques included in the book to achieve awareness. By concentrating your positive energy on obtaining your wants, you’ll give yourself permission to receive them.
To your happiness! ~Paige
You can find this book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, and Indigo.
The Mindful Living Guide
This was very calming. I’m a 23 years old college dropout. I had to drop out due to severe mental health illness that destroyed my life.
I was the typical straight-A, overachiever student all throughout grade school to college. Now that I’m getting better, I’m questioning my whole life. I’m now realizing I have no idea who I am and what I want. I’ve been living my whole life trying to live up to the expectations of my parents, church, and culture. I only liked or had a passion for things that were “acceptable.” I wasn’t allowed to develop my own true passions.
I went to an extremist fundamentalist church so almost everything was a sin. Everything was controlled; what we watched, what we wore, what music we liked, who are friends were, everything. Otherwise you’d be punished, shamed and be damned for eternal hell fire.
I no longer subscribe to their way of thinking, but I’ve been so troubled and scared for taking the next step, whatever that is. I always have this nagging feeling that if I decide to truly do things I want that I’ll be judged and be doing the “wrong” thing.
You’re article was helpful and calming. It will allow me to stop overthinking and just take a step forward.
This was one of the worst sets of advice I’ve read. It is full of post modern thinking that makes the person and their “feelings” the center of the universe. The first list is accomplished by far more than 1%.
I did work hard in high school, as many do. I did work hard in college, because that was my responsibility and purpose for paying money in exchange for an education. I didn’t self medicate with drugs or alcohol. Because I don’t consider myself the center of my own universe (God is), so I don’t give into fleshly whims.
That education did lead to a job. Continued harwork and discipline did lead to a successful career (18 years in).
I did know what I valued, and dated with purpose. I knew I valued a work ethic, integrity, steadfastness, truth (read: not ever changing “feelings”), loyalty, commitment, love, sacrifice, children, a strong sense of right and wrong, etc. And because I didn’t chase shallow girls all over the bars, I found a mature woman with these same values. Values that are largely derided in our current culture, but truly stand the test of time regardless if they go out of style. I married her 2 weeks after we graduated from college, and just celebrated our 17th anniversary. We have 3 children we are instilling those same values in them.
Almost all of my friends from college, I’m talking dozens, had those same values and basically have the same result. I just counted 17 friends in my head, all married young and are still happily married. All have children.
Stop justifying every feeling and spewing “self care” nonsense. Give your life to Jesus. Do what is right, not what is easy. Think critically, stay off social media, do the hard things.
Your post modern guru advice will help no one, other than making people feel better by wrapping them in a self justifying echo chamber.
This was a helpful post. I will consider what you’ve said in this post and in the thoughtful replies you have given people, and try to apply some of this to my middle aged, directionless situation.
Thank you.
Feeling very unsure of my future since no opportunities this year. Most times feel worthless.
This article gives me hope as a woman of 57. Used to be positive and upbeat now have no purpose. I want to do something meaningful but have no direction.
Hi. I just turned 43 and am finally feeling more content about being spouseless and childless, which really hit me hard at 40 after praying and hoping so much that it would happen. I’ve also struggled with job/direction in life since college. I majored in Communications/graphic design because it was broad and I would just “figure it out.” Well…I’ve had 12 jobs, moved 18 times and have lived in 4 states since graduating . I’ve lived with my parents at various times as well. Have dealt with a lot of rejection from close friendships I’ve lost (as they married/had kids/moved on), heart ache from a LOT of family stress my whole life and in general have become just mad. I’ve generally been good at trying new things. In my 20’s/30’s was always very active. In the past 4 years, I’ve gained 20 pds, lost total motivation to exercise, date or eat healthy. My friend I was renting a room from just sold and moved and I moved back home (again) not having a clue as to what to do next. All avenues feel exhausted but I know I have to “just keep trying.” I’m just so ready to feel settled. Now my parents are listing their house, too, and will be moving in 2-3 months. I don’t really want to stay in this city (too much heart ache and memories here – definitely no single guys), but the thought of “starting over” is so sad now. It’s hard to start over and move, again, when you feel sad about it and know the initially loneliness you will face. I’ve just done it so much. But as I type this, I know I’ll have to. Statistically so few women know what this is like at my age. Most are married, moms or at least settled in a career. Life just stinks right now.
Elizabeth,
Having to move again is a great opportunity for you to create something different that works for you. Follow the steps of the article above and take action every day. Mindfully notice where you repeat your old patterns that have always led you to the same outcomes and do something different.
It’s never too late to start over. My husband is 51 and in the process of completely changing his direction in life to one that he dreamed of when he was young but the situation was never right to support it.
Focus on how you can use your skills and abilities to help others. This could be at a job, volunteering or starting your own business. Drop the expectations (yours or anyone else’s) of what you’re “supposed” to be doing now. All that you’re supposed to do is identify your core values and make all decisions in aligment with them, identify the gifts that you were given to you at birth that make you special (you may need to ask those close to you what those are since you’ll think they’re nothing special – just “who you are”), and share those gifts with others in a way that works for you.
Given all of this, the first thing I would HIGHLY recommend is starting a daily gratitude practice. Focusing on what you’re grateful for – what’s going right in your life – will shift your energy and focus to what you do want. Currently, you seem to be focusing on what’s wrong so you continue to attract that – the things you don’t want. What you focus on grows. Mindfully notice what you spend most of your day thinking about. Catch yourself and shift your focus when you notice yourself dwelling on the negative.
“Feeling settled” is your internal mindset that doesn’t have to have anything to do with your outside circumstances. It’s like being happy. It’s a choice you make at any time. I’m guessing that you’re having a hard time feeling settled because internally, you’re not happy with or accepting of yourself. Until you make that internal shift, your external world will reflect how you feel about yourself. Express gratitude for all the great things about you, big and small, on a daily basis. You are enough just as you are.
If you wait for your circumstances to magically align and make you feel happy, settled or content, you’ll be waiting a very long time. You have to feel that way first, then your circumstances will align. This is why it’s critical for you to do things that make you feel good on a very regular basis. Feeling good is the basis of bringing good things to you.
You have the power to transform your life. If you feel like you “just keep trying,” it won’t get much better. Trying means not committing. Dive in and do things, don’t just try. Experiment and learn from your experiments. Do more of what feels good.
It doesn’t matter what “most other women” have experienced. Comparing yourself to others who you think have better lives (most don’t) will only bring you down. With 50%+ divorce rates, I’m guessing that many married women are not happy. You have the freedom to start from scratch and create a completely new life that works for you. It doesn’t have to work for anyone else.
If you’re looking for a partner, get very clear on the type of person you want to be with (looks, personality, age, passions, values, etc.). Then, in order to actually attract that person, get very clear about the type of person that person would be attracted to and be that person.
Your life won’t change until you change. Take baby steps every day and keep moving forward. Some days will be better than others. It’s not a straight path. The twists and turns are opportunities to learn. Every day, express gratitude. Over time, your life will changes.
I am so thankful I stumbled on this page! Warwick and Jean must be my twins as their experiences mirror what I am going through at the moment. It takes a lot of courage to face some days. career in a stagnant rut, attempts at changes are unsuccessful, personal life is a big scam and I can’t just figure out what tomorrow will hold. These are challenges I am facing in my 40s and I wonder if I have not wasted my years and if there will ever be a change
Thank you so much for this Paige. Your example of using your gifts to match up artists with those well-versed in finance felt so natural. When you first started doing this – I’m curious if the idea come to you directly or was it something you found yourself after various experiences?
The Education of Millionaires is also one of my favorite books! Love the idea of life being a series of experiments rather than credentials 🙂
Yunzhe,
The idea for combining arts and finances came to me in high school where I was more interested in business (I was a big participant in Junior Achievement throughout high school) and most of my friends were artists and musicians. When I thought about “what do I want to be when I grow up,” I thought I would be a business manager for artists and musicians. That didn’t quite pan out (although I married an artist), I jumped at the opportunity to help creative types with their businesses. Having spent so much time around creatives, I had a good understanding of how they thought and worked and could help them in ways that supported who they are.
Your 12 Side Projects in 12 Months is a great idea! It’s an interesting way to see (and experience) life as a series of experiments – keep what works and drop the rest. With this approach, there is no failure, only growth.
Thanks Paige and for sharing your story! Hearing the behind the scenes thoughts really helps.
I feel like sometimes that there’s nothing more for me to do in life itself. I’m quick to help others with their problems, quick with positive advice but when it comes to myself, I just feel worthless, no hope.
If you’re actively helping others with positive advice, you’re not worthless. Ask people you’ve helped how you helped them. Ask them what your strengths are. So often, we take our own gifts for granted because we think it’s just “who we are.” What comes easily for you is very difficult for most others.
What do you enjoy doing? How can you teach others to do that? It doesn’t have to be “productive” or anything other than interesting or fun to you.
I believe that every one of us is put on this earth with a gift. It’s our job to uncover that gift and share it with others.
Start experimenting with things you haven’t allowed yourself to do, ways of expressing your unique self. Don’t pay any attention to what others will think. Any negative comments only come from their jealousy that you’re doing what they wish they would let themselves do.
And begin your gratitude practice today. Right now, write down in detail three things you’re grateful for and why you’re grateful for them. Do this every day. I know from personal experience that this simple daily practice will transform your life. It doesn’t work overnight. All good things take time, like the Colorado River carving the Grand Canyon. It transformed my decades-long depression into a sense of inner peace and happiness.
Give yourself the gift of hope. You deserve it, Jeanie.
Great Post Paige!
This is a question that most people (if not everyone) asks themselves at some point in their life. And often times, they could be influenced by other factors in society that sends them to a path they don’t even like. These 3 career paths that children often get pushed into are engineering, medical, or science. They follow those path because their family want them in it and that’s when they no longer live their life, but act as a puppet instead.
Exactly Michael. I would add law as one of those mainstream paths that people are coaxed toward.
Accounting was the path I followed, doing what I thought was expected of me – until I woke up one day and asked myself if that was really what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew that I didn’t want to practice accounting the way I had (quickly climbing the corporate ladder in a huge accounting firm). It turns out that I actually enjoy accounting and finance but I had to figure out HOW to do it in a way that worked for me. It took a two year sabbatical where I trained horses and lived in the outdoors for me to learn more about myself and how I could incorporate accounting (what I was good at) with a lifestyle that I love (living in the woods).
Sometimes the path we choose is close to what we love. Other times it’s not even close. We need to experiment with life to learn more about ourselves and what does and doesn’t work for us.
I’ve experimented all my life – different careers. Now in one that’s terrible. I hate it. It’s a high paying high stress job without the high stress pay. I’m 48 and feel my life is over. It sure is financially. A lot of life is what others manipulate you into.
I know the feeling Warwick. After being jobless for about a year in 2008, my financial life was a wreck. In 2009 I finally found a high paying, high stress job two hours away from my family (I came home on the weekends). I was also pregnant with my third child. Just after she was born, I was let go suddenly (they decided they didn’t need my position, with no warning). I was initially devastated and angry. Being the breadwinner in my family, it was extremely stressful and did nothing to help our precarious financial situation.
A few months later I found a job where I was very underemployed and making a third of what I was used to making. I declared bankruptcy and totally started over. I took the time to get much more intentional about my choices in life. I was no longer going to take whatever was offered or what others told me was “best” for me. By getting clear on what I wanted and setting strong intentions, I was able to piece my life, my finances and my family back together and I’ve never been happier.
Others don’t manipulate you unless you choose to allow it. If you’re not clear in your heart and mind with what you want in life, it’s much easier for others to sway you. I’m 49 and can say that it’s never too late to start over.
HI, loved your post, it is very informative and very helpful. Being happy is a choice, we should always try our best to have a positive attitude in every bad situation, we should always be grateful, that way, we won’t loose hope and happiness within our hearts. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much Sherill! Everything we think and do is our choice. It’s amazing how a regular practice of gratitude grows and changes the way you see the world in many great ways.
Hi Paige,
I love your post and I definitely agree when you said “Life is messy and hard and fun and interesting. It’s a ride to enjoy, not a mission to accomplish.”
Life gets more interesting when we encounter obstacles and we enjoy it more when we figure out what to do with these obstacles.
I always believe that “My life purpose is a journey not a destination and the clues to it are all around.”
Thanks for this great post Paige!
Love your attitude Patricia! Yes, the clues to our purpose are always all around us. We simply need to slow down and notice them.
With your way of seeing the world, I’m guessing that your life is pretty exciting! That’s awesome!
Dear Paige
Whoa—-you have truly offered a manifesto with this post. If each reader took one suggestion that you mentioned and worked on it diligently for the next month, they would feel galvanized….and excited about their life. Really fine writing Paige.xo-Fran
Thank you Fran! It’s amazing how one small action, done consistently, can radically change your life. My goal is to apply that to my writing so that it doesn’t take three months between posts. 🙂
Paige,
I love the idea that EVERYTHING about life is an experiment and all that is required of me is to take action. Plain, simple, and most of the time, doable.
Thanks for a post that made me smile with gratitude.
Thanks so much Beth! Yes, it really is that simple. It’s hard to fail if you’re only experimenting.