It’s inevitable, you know.
One day you realize that everything you’ve been trying hasn’t worked. You’ve read the books, gone to the seminars and retreats. Maybe you’ve tried to work through your issues with friends and family members. You’ve journaled and even done all the exercises in all the programs you’ve bought (which only about 2% of people who buy programs actually do).
Maybe things have changed a little (or maybe not). But you still feel stuck in the same issue, swimming in circles and getting very tired.
The question is, what are you going to do about it?
You might be tempted to keep doing more of what you’ve been doing, hoping that this time it will be different. But don’t. That’s what I used to do, and I created more problems than I got rid of. Several times, my “improvements” produced even worse results than I was getting before. I couldn’t believe it.
It took a while, but eventually I learned that just because you’re doing something different doesn’t mean you’re doing it right. If you want to turn your life around, you can’t just change what you think is wrong. You have to base your improvements on objective evidence, timeless wisdom, and advice from experts.
Here’s how:
Study What’s Working (and What’s Not)
All too often, we decide our approach is wrong because of how our life looks to us. We don’t feel as happy as we think other people are. We’re not as successful financially, emotionally and in relationships as others. We feel that our lives are lacking because of what we think our lives should look like.
Because it looks that way to us, we believe that it must be that way, and therefore, we have to change it.
Big mistake.
The truth: no matter how successful you are, something in your life will always look wrong to you. If you allow it to distract you, you can spend your entire life chasing little, nitpicky problems, and you’ll never get to the big, hairy monstrosities that really deserve your attention.
How do you know what those monstrosities are? Easy: you look at the results in your life. Before making any changes, you should consider:
■ Past results – What have you done in the past that worked? Why? What hasn’t worked? Why?
■ Reactions – What have you done that others notice?
■ Relationships – How has what you’ve done affected your relationships? How do others describe you?
■ Feelings – Where do you feel the most stress and resistance in your body and in your life?
Study these long enough, and you’ll probably begin to see patterns of what works and what doesn’t. If you’re like me, you’ll also be surprised by how much time you’re wasting on stuff that doesn’t work and how precious little time you’re spending on stuff that does.
Easy fix though, right? Start doing what works, and stop doing what doesn’t work. It’ll turn your life around faster than anything else.
Base Your Changes on Timeless Wisdom
Of course, you can’t learn everything you need to know from looking at these results. That’s merely the low hanging fruit. At some point, you’ll want to find out what has worked for others and then try a similar approach for yourself.
Reading all the personal development advice is a good start, but you should also look outside that arena. Some of the most useful insights you’ll discover will come from books and articles that have absolutely nothing to do with personal development.
Sometimes reading fiction, fables and poetry can open your mind to new ways of seeing things. Many fiction writers are geniuses at assessing the human condition and creating ways to transform lives.
Do yourself a favor and learn from them.
Stop Trying to Figure It Out On Your Own
It has taken me most of my 44 years to figure out how to be happy. I tried and failed, tried again and failed again, looking for so many people, things and experiences to make me happy. My relationships never lasted. Everything in my life seemed temporary.
And then, finally, I got it. I felt like someone handed me the key to the magic door. Funny thing was, the key was sitting right in front of me all the time. It was like I didn’t want to see it until someone pointed it out to me.
What happened this time around?
I stopped trying to figure it out on my own. I worked with someone who had achieved much of what I wanted in life. Most importantly, I was open to their advice and mentoring.
He looked at my past, pointed out some of my mistakes, and helped me refine my ideas for a new life. It totally changed the way I thought about my life and happiness. Without my mentor’s help, I’m don’t think I’d be the Shiny, Happy Puppy I am now, or happy at all for that matter.
The truth is that sometimes we don’t see what we’re doing wrong, and we need someone else to point it out to us. It’s usually embarrassingly obvious when we see it, but we never would have noticed, if not for an expert offering us another perspective.
Of course, not everyone can afford to hire a mentor for long periods of time. So what should you do then?
Well, I hope I don’t regret this, but let me throw out an idea.
Get on the Phone with Me for 30 Minutes for FREE
You know that whole idea of giving back? Well, I figure I haven’t done enough of that lately. So, I came up with this idea:
Over the next couple weeks, I’m going to do 3 telephone consultations. I’ll get on the phone with you for 30 minutes, and you can tell me what’s troubling you about your life. I’ll then give you advice specific to your exact situation.
Oh, and did I mention that I’m going to do it absolutely for free?
All you have to do is leave a comment below telling me your biggest frustration right now. I’ll contact you by email, have you complete a brief questionnaire, and then we’ll schedule a time to chat.
Simple enough?
Good then. Together, we’ll have your life un-screwed up in no time. So start writing that comment!
Congratulations to LynzM, Linda and Mary Carol for winning the free mentoring sessions! I’m really looking forward to them!
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 7:41 am
I’m unhappily employed. I “shouldn’t” complain (I work remotely, I get paid relatively well, I have health insurance, my immediate coworkers are great.) BUT… the company overall is frustrating to be part of, and I don’t feel at all inspired by the work I’m doing, or look forward to building my skills in this field.
I don’t feel that I’m applying my skills to directly helping anyone. Much of my time is spent either in tedium or boredom. (First world problems, right?
) I’d like to move from my current job into some form of sustainable ‘employment’ (read: being able to pay the bills) doing things I enjoy and am good at, ideally including some liberal servings of helping other people, teaching, and learning, while somehow maintaining health insurance to support my chronic medical condition, and my family’s needs. I don’t know how to get from here to ‘there,’ and in fact I’m not really sure where ‘there’ is, yet…
Also, I just wanted to say thanks for being an ongoing catalyst for positive change!
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 1:25 pm
Thanks so much Lynz! I completely understand your work situation. Generally speaking, people are unhappy with their work if they don’t feel like it contributes to someone or something or somehow makes a difference.
Your first step is to figure out what “there” looks and feels like to you. In as much detail as possible, imagine and write out what your average day looks like. What’s your environment (home, work, play, etc.)? Who do you interact with? What are you doing? Make it as specific as possible as if you’re watching the movie of your day. I’m not a big fan of the concept of our work lives and personal lives being separate. We’re one person with one life. What we do with our time all day and night should support our top values (do you know what your top 3 values are?).
Once what you want is very clear to you, replace your thinking of wanting to be “not here” to wanting to be “there.” As long as you think about and give energy to things you don’t like, you’ll only get more of them. Accept where you are today completely. It is what it is. What are you going to do about it starting right now?
It’s completely possible to get everything you’re looking for. Start with knowing exactly what you’re looking for.
Big Hugs!
Paige Burkes recently posted..5 Steps to Creating Your Awesome Life
Commented: 03/14/2013 at 6:04 pm
I feel the same way about the job I am in currently in my life. Lynz, I understand right where you are at with your feeling of working for a company you don’t really believe in anymore. That is right where I am. I took this job a few years ago, because I wanted part time work ( my husband pays for our insurance so I don’t have to) so that I could have more time to work at home on the other days creating my art that I love doing. Since I have seen so many administration changes, along with culture changes and the job is so boring.I would love to touch people in the heart by helping and encouraging them in some way. Something much more purposeful. I am 57 years old now, so it scares me to get out there and look for another job, thinking my age would hurt me in landing one. Even though my husband pays for our insurance, we still need my part time income to pay all of the bills. How in the world do you find it?
Thank you Paige for your words of encouragement. I just found your blog site and I can’t wait to look further around at your other posts.
Lee Ann
Lee Ann G. recently posted..When We Get Side-Tracked In This Life
Commented: 03/16/2013 at 1:15 pm
Hey Lee Ann!
Something I’ve found that can help to make a dull job a bit more bearable is to see how you can “touch people in the heart” for the people you work with. Behind everyone’s work facades, there are real people with their own passions and challenges. And most people feel under-appreciated at work.
Instead of approaching your day thinking (in a dreary tone), “Another day at the office…” switch is to, “How can I help someone today?”
It can take a little time to get to know people better so you can find out how you can help them. When I started networking to find a new job a few years ago, I thought that the normal networking meeting where you exchange cards and tell each other what you do and what you’re looking for seemed too boring and lifeless. My one-on-one networking meetings usually started with about 5 or 10 minutes of business stuff and then I would simply ask them what they love to do. It’s amazing how much people open up fairly quickly when they can tell that you’re sincere in wanting to know. It also creates better connections with people because they know you care.
Something that’s a little easier to do is to show people that you notice things they do and that you appreciate it. For example, I wrote my new boss a note (I’ve been there about 3 months) letting her know how much I enjoy working for her. I’ve had many bosses that anyone would struggle with and I wanted her to know that she’s making a difference. Our IT guy has been very helpful as I’m implementing lots of efficiencies. While I say “thank you” often, I copied my hand on the copier and wrote “You’re Awesome!” on it and taped it to the back of his chair when he was gone. (The idea is that the hand is a ‘pat on the back’ for them.) When he returned and thanked me for it, he said the closest thing like that he ever received was when someone copied their hand in “the bird” position (not exactly a nice gesture). I left a handwritten note thanking the woman who spent countless hours coordinating and shopping for all the little details that made our annual staff party a success.
Sometimes people will thank you and other times you’ll never hear from them. The point isn’t to get something back from them. It’s simply to do something nice because you’re spreading a little love and joy.
As long we carry the same attitude with us in our various jobs, we’ll usually get the same feeling from all the different jobs. I love Jon Kabat-Zinn’s saying: Wherever you go, there you are. This means that, unless you change, nothing in your life will change.
Thanks so much for being here Lee Ann!
Paige Burkes recently posted..My Beliefs Have Hijacked My Brain
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 8:26 am
Hi Paige,
Thank you for the offer! I’d love to get your counsel, if things work out that way. My issue is with the death of others.
In the last two weeks, I’ve manifested three death situations: a car accident involving the sister of a friend in which two people died, the euthanasia of the beloved dog of a friend, and the death of the father/husband of two friends. I connected closely with the soul of the father/husband during his days in a coma, and don’t think I have any issues with his death per se. It seems to me that my issues are about the survivors.
I would like to work this through before I manifest any more deaths! It feels like a weight on my heart that has been there for a long time, and that I’m ready to shift, but I’m not sure how. Pieces of it keep shifting, but the big rock keeps rolling back.
Thanks for listening! Warm hugs,
Mary Carol
Mary Carol recently posted..Random Questions
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 1:36 pm
Mary Carol,
You said that you feel that your issues are with the survivors. And you work in an animal shelter that’s full of survivors. The first questions that come to me are: How have you been a survivor and what might be your own unresolved issues with regard to surviving? Where have you not allowed yourself to heal? Do you feel guilt for surviving something?
It sounds like the Universe is sending you survivors, not death. Death is just the most vivid backdrop/contrast for survival.
Hopefully this helps!
Big Hugs!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Letting Go
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 2:42 pm
My gosh, Paige! That’s the perfect question! Thank you so much.
During the eight months my Father had terminal cancer, I wished every day that I could die instead of him. And I’ve just passed the age he was when he died. And he died on June 13. It all makes sense.
Tears of gratitude are pouring down my face (overly dramatic but true!). Thank you again,
Mary Carol
Mary Carol recently posted..Random Questions
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 4:27 pm
I’m so glad I could help, Mary Carol! You never know where messages will come from.
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 2:38 pm
No frustration here but wanted to tell you what a wonderful thing you are doing for someone that may need another perspective and ear!
Way to go,
Nancy
Nancy Shields recently posted..ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS LIFE HAS TO OFFER?
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 2:51 pm
Thanks Nancy! And I love that you have no frustrations! You’re obviously doing a lot right in your life.
One of my goals in life is to help as many people as possible and this is one of the ways I can deliver on that.
Have a beautiful day!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Why I Listen To The Voices In My Head
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 6:16 pm
“just because you’re doing something different doesn’t mean you’re doing it right.” this is true! I appreciate it when someone tells me I’m doing something right but appreciate it more when I get feedback on things that I should change (i think improve is the right word). Thanks for the advice, there are major points here that I can apply in my life.
Commented: 06/18/2012 at 11:53 am
While we all want to improve, sometimes it’s good to stop and give yourself credit for all the awesome things you’re doing well. It’s part of the practice of receiving. Not being able to openly receive compliments and other gifts is a sign of having issues with receiving.
So glad I could help, Julia!
Commented: 06/15/2012 at 6:39 pm
Dear Paige,
What a great idea to give back! I love it. I know that anyone who avails themselves of this opportunity will learn a lot be so glad they spoke with you.
xoxo,
Angela
Angela Artemis recently posted..Father’s Day: Sometimes You Have to Call it “Quits”
Commented: 06/16/2012 at 2:36 pm
Thanks so much Angela! I must say that I’ve learned quite a bit from you!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Why I Listen To The Voices In My Head
Commented: 06/19/2012 at 3:54 pm
xoxo
Angela Artemis|Powered by Intuition recently posted..How to Trigger A Happy and Positive Life
Commented: 06/17/2012 at 4:25 pm
hi Paige
i would love a chance to speak with you
having a child with mental illness is very challenging
now at age 24 there is still no stability
my outlook is very positive generally
i am very thankful for many blessings, but having a very hard time with my child
you are such a wonderful person, love your words
thank you
Linda
Commented: 06/18/2012 at 12:01 pm
Thank you so much Linda! I can understand how incredibly challenging it must be to care for a child with mental illness.
We attract what we need and what lessons we have yet to learn. What are you learning from this experience? How is it changing your life? How can you use this experience to impact the lives of others?
Hope that helps. Big Hugs!!
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 9:28 am
hi Paige
i have learned patience,not to judge,to reach out for help and support and to reach out to others to help and support
to be kind to everyone
thank you
L
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 10:22 am
Linda,
Those are some wonderful lessons! And much more than most people want to open themselves to. Your work is so important!! I’m sure you don’t realize how much you impact others with whom you come into contact.
Many blessings!!
Commented: 06/18/2012 at 10:01 am
What a wonderful gift Paige. I’m pretty good at releasing frustrations, but I wanted to let you know how much I applaud your gifting. Bravo. Kindness and love in action. I feel happy for anyone who gets to experience you in person.
Elle
xoxo
Elle recently posted..How To Overcome Inertia And Everything Else That Holds You Back.
Commented: 06/18/2012 at 11:56 am
Thank you so much Elle! Yes, from reading your wonderful posts, I can tell that you’re very good at releasing your frustrations.
Big Hugs!!
Commented: 06/18/2012 at 10:20 pm
This is so awesome of you Paige!
As much as I would love to get free counsel, I live in the Philippines and long-distance calls are expensive. LOL. I’m happy reading your posts and learning from them.
besides, I think I’m in a very happy place right now. I just quit my soul-devouring job and am now a full-time freelance writer. Yey!
Just wanted to comment to thank you for being one of the first blogs on self-improvement that helped me make the decision to leap.
Glori | Crazy Introvert recently posted..This Introvert’s Ideal Job… and a Secret
Commented: 06/19/2012 at 5:52 pm
Wow! That’s awesome Glori!! It sounds like your life is already awesome after making the leap – to go from “soul-devouring” to “very happy place.”
In case you ever wanted to talk, I work on Skype which is free!
Big Hugs!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..How Committed Are You To Your Dreams?
Commented: 06/19/2012 at 2:54 pm
Hi Paige,
I guess if that’s my biggest problem, life is good!! Thanks for always writing the right post that fits my problems!
Just working on my book and having so many summer distractions is my biggest problem. I usually write when I wake up in the middle of the night…the only problem is I’m sleeping really well.
Betsy at Zen Mama recently posted..CAUTION: You May Be In Danger Of Catching Adultitis… Read Here To Save Yourself and Others!
Commented: 06/19/2012 at 5:58 pm
That’s a good problem to have: focusing and prioritizing the fun and juicy stuff in your life! I’m having the same problem as I work on my Mindful Body program.
Can’t wait to read your book!
Thanks so much Betsy!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..5 Steps to Creating Your Awesome Life
Commented: 06/19/2012 at 8:58 pm
I can definitely relate to what you say about the need to work with another person, rather than making your personal development a one-person quest — I’ve found that I actually need to work with multiple groups, including my men’s group, my grad school cohort, and others, to create a meaningful shift in some aspect of my life.
Chris Edgar recently posted..On Leadership and Pleasing All the People All the Time
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 10:24 am
Chris,
That’s awesome that you’ve found so many friends and resources to walk with you on your journey! It takes all those different perspectives, put together in your own way to get the answers you’re looking for. Stay open to the messages and they’ll always be there when you need them.
Big Hugs!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Letting Go
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 2:22 am
Wow. That sounds so cool. Are you going to do this on Skype, Paige?
Yes, taking stock and self-analysis is the beginning point. I think with certain areas in life where things don’t work, not doing this makes change a non-starter. (did i make sense?). Stagnation can really hurt, especially when we have dreams and goals.
I loved the post, as always…and congratulations on the phone consult. That’s very generous of you.
Vidya Sury recently posted..Love
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 10:26 am
Yes, Vidya, I am doing this on Skype. I actually replaced my landline phone with Skype a couple years ago.
If I understood you correctly: Nothing happens if you don’t start. Life and our environment can’t change if we don’t change. Very true.
Thanks and so wonderful to have you back!!
Big Hugs!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..What’s the Meaning of Your Life?
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 9:20 am
Paige….Such a meaningful post. The one area that I sometimes forget to put to use when I get ‘stuck’ is to list on what is working and what’s not in your life. Your words are a great reminder.
I’m a firm believer in using good therapy, coaching, or spiritual counseling to help you on your life’s journey. Your phone consult is a great idea.
xxoo-Fran
Commented: 06/20/2012 at 11:23 am
Thanks Fran! Writing out what’s working also helps to keep us focused on the good stuff. We get more of what we focus on.
Our society works so hard to program us to focus on what we don’t have, haven’t achieved, haven’t accomplished. We tend to forget about all the amazing things we’ve already achieved. I sometimes surprise myself when I do this practice thinking, “Wow! I really did THAT?!?!”
Big Hugs!!!
Commented: 09/04/2012 at 11:53 am
I agree ppl can point out something that you did not see, I was refered to a councilor about 5 years ago , she was great . I loved that she helped me I am always grateful for her. I recommend her to everyone who tells me they need to talk to someone. I myself wanted to take the course learn how to help ppl. I was all excited at the chance to learn all this and I got into school but the funding never went threw so I do all my learning from books and online look up some stuff
life is about choices and I want to be able to help my children and friends with what bother’s them.
I love to help out ppl .
I have been alone by choice for 13 years now , now I am trying to change my mind set and be able to be with a man. I am a very stubborn person though. so it is taking me a while to change mindset
I really appreciate everyone that I have in my life that I can talk too about my issues
I am happy with my life , I have kids and grandkids and a job. but I am ready to balance all that with a man now
one who is working though ( I work at social develpment, dont want a man who gets assistance )
I wish I had the courage to do the course I want to do
Commented: 09/04/2012 at 1:44 pm
Laverne,
Know that you’re helping people every day, regardless of whether you took a course or not. Christy Whitman (great life coach trainer) describes how people used to talk with trusted friends and family members when we lived in large, multi-generational family groups in tight-knit communities. As our society has pulled these groups of people apart, we have lost the support that used to exist. That support now exists in the form of therapists and coaches. It doesn’t take lots of special training to open your heart and help others.
Best wishes on your journey to find your man. Know that all successful relationships involve some form of compromise. As long as there’s mutual trust and respect, good things are sure to follow.
Big Hugs!!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Work/Life Balance Is a Myth
Commented: 12/03/2012 at 12:50 am
Hi Paige,
Wow Where do I start? Your post said everything that has been going through my mind! I am STUCK physically, financially, and romantically. I graduated with a degree in Business Management, but I have no interest in anything that has to do with operations, finance, or economics. I am a people person who loves to talk to and help people I am very creative, good at problem-solving, have strong interpersonal communication and writing skills. How do I get from where I am Business degree, low job skills, sporadic employment history to a social, creative, people centered job that makes a difference in people’s lives?
I have two children who are mentallly ill which has been the primary reason I have had a sporadic work history. I am approaching 50 and have no savings, no health benefits, and I am underemployed. I am so terrified. I want to change my life. I love the adivce that you gave to others, and I am excited about the direction your mentoring could lead!!!
Thank you for your posts and for all that you do!
With Gratitude,
Karen
Commented: 12/04/2012 at 9:53 pm
Karen,
I know exactly how you feel. I was feeling quite stuck in many areas of my life until I did an exercise that uncovered some subconscious blocks I had been carrying around (see the post link below this comment).
Just because you have a certain degree does NOT mean you are stuck doing the jobs that seem to fit with that degree for the rest of your life. I have an accounting degree but have many of the personality traits you described for yourself. There are always way to incorporate your passions and who you are into any position. It’s simply a matter of changing how you see it.
What would your ideal day look like? How would you like to help people? What kinds of problems are you good at solving? What do you love to write about? How could your writing help others to solve problems?
Knowledge and things that you take for granted as a normal part of your life are new, different, valuable and inspiring to many other people.
With regard to your question of how to get from where you see yourself now to where you want to be – the past does NOT equal the future. You can create whatever future you want. Don’t tie yourself to what you’ve done in your past. You’re capable of anything. All you have to do is decide what you truly want and make it emotionally important enough to change. You’ll find a way.
I’m currently listening to a very old (cassette) version of Tony Robbins’ Personal Power II. I HIGHLY recommend it. If you take his ideas to heart and really put some time, effort and thought into the exercises in that program, it can be completely transformative. I could sit here and recommend that you do specific exercises from the program, but I think you could benefit from the whole program. I know that I have. Many of the most successful people today started their success and happiness journey by listening to Tony Robbins.
Don’t let your monkey mind drag you back to your past. Know that you can do anything if you’re emotionally driven strong enough to change.
Decide to stop being terrified and start taking daily baby steps to change your life today. You can do this!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Tony Robbins & Me at Starbucks: How He Got Me Past My Blocks
Commented: 12/12/2012 at 3:48 pm
Hi Paige
God where do I start…I’ve overcome so much in life, the death of a parent, a granparent, a move 185 miles from home, violent relationships and now I own a house in the south west, have a job which pays the bills and I’m married. I dont have what I dont need but we never have any money, even xmas is cancelled this year. I want to change my life…all of it….I’m at an age where my hubby and I are deorating the house with what little cash we have (lots of problems with the internal aspect of the property) and even this has come to a stand still. I want to change my job and have a career in law but what with spending my life trying to get by and have money as I had no family to support me, I’ve now reached a point that I cant afford to get my qualifications to be come a family solicitor as I have responsibilities and of course in addition the body clock is not on my side (Im 31). I lack a social life as I’ve never been a particularly social person so all I do every day is work in a job I hate and feel undervalued (no career opps and my boss ignores my quest to progress) and come home and be a good wife to my hubby who works hard and loves is job and he’s doing the degree of his dreams. We’ve taken to arguing a lot and I feel taken for granted. I cant change anything. Im completely stuck with a stupid pretend smile on my face and the feeling of just wanting to end it all some days. I wont…Ive survived too much already and I love my hubby very much but I am totally fed up of this feeling of my life passing before me and me never accomplishing my dreams….
Commented: 12/15/2012 at 4:34 pm
Gina,
When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to slip into negativity. My first suggestion would be to spend time when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed at night thinking about everything in your life that you’re grateful for. Given what you’ve written, I can see: a great husband, a home, a job that pays the bills, hot showers, good food, a computer, time to read blogs and your health.
You mentioned that you “cancelled Christmas.” Is Christmas only about buying things? Does it also include slowing down to appreciate the awesome people and things in your life? There are many things you can give that don’t cost a dime. How can you help others in ways that are special to them?
If you want to beef up your social life, you must first make it a priority. If your husband is taking the time to pursue the degree of his dreams, there’s no reason why you can’t pursue your own dreams and passions. You’ll feel less taken for granted when you stop taking yourself for granted. Start feeding your own soul. Don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Go to Meetup.com and search for things you’re interested in/passionate about. Go to the meetings. Not only will you feed your passion and soul, you’ll meet other people doing the same (instant social life).
Instead of getting down about not being able to pursue a particular job, think about why you want that particular job. What about it excites you? Why would it fulfill you? What are other things you can do that will give you those same feelings? Here’s an awesome post about making a career change successfully without going back to school: http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2011/09/29/8-steps-to-getting-what-you-want-without-formal-credentials/
Know that you can change anything that you decide to change. Nothing in life stays the same. You’re either growing or dying and you get to choose. Don’t worry about what other people will think of your choices. Other people are too focused on themselves to care about what you do. And if they give you a hard time, know that it’s coming from their own fears. When we change, it threatens the “safe and secure” world of our friends and family. Some will support you and others will scorn you. Spend your time with the former (and the new friends you meet) and avoid the latter like the plague.
If you want better and different, surround yourself with better and different people. They’ll support you through your next transition.
You’ve been through so much and you’re still quite young. It’s never too late for anything. It’s all up to you. Start making different choices based on your own core values and beliefs.
Commented: 01/07/2013 at 6:33 am
Hi Paige
Thanks so much for the advice, much appreciated. I’m usually a very realistic person and I suppose things really got on top of me prior to the Christmas holidays. We didnt technically cancel Christmas, what I meant was, we cancelled the materialsm of Christmas as we didnt have the money to buy gifts. Instead, we baked mince pies and put them in fancy wrapping and gave them out to the rellies! My husband made chocolate and pistacio fudge and wrapped that up too. The family were really impressed so we’ve decided that we’ll do the same next year. It was fun to do it together as a team and it totally beat shopping in the rage of hysteria which seemed to take a form of its own in the shopping centres! We spent Christmas day on our own, I still cooked a lovely dinner but it was funny how many people envied us! To be honest, we make our lives as simple or as complicated as it needs to be! I know this through my own experience!!
Regarding direction….yes I need to review this, the true satisfaction of achieving in a specialised subject does need to be done through a specific path I’m afraid though, particularly when it comes to the law and representing peoples lives, family matters
you really cant go into that career without qualifications! Still, I appreciated the suggestion. Why do I want to pursue this? Well, my husband has a child from a previous marriage. She’s 13 this year so he was young and inexperienced….in short my mother in law put it beautifully in the terms of the then wife being an oportunist to stay on state benefits….in other words she got what she wanted and ditched the fella afterwards leaving my hubby heartbroken because he had a small baby he couldnt see. When we got together his daughter was 7 and we had big concerns for her safety so we went to court and fought and fought and fought and sadly we still lost….social services claimed our home was too clean and we couldnt offer the child the same as her mother could….we work….we pay tax….she doesnt….any way, dont get me started, all I know is, its all wrong. I wrote to the Justice Minister and explained our own circumstances, our findings, the law and the reality. I really got my teeth stuck in to it. There’s a huge gross misjustice taking place here in Britain. Its frightening and so many families are fighting a losing battle to their cost and the childs long term detriment. Sure, we won more than we had but bnow we sit and watch her long term suffering all because technically speaking someone made an unqualified and misguided judgement! The fear of court and facing solicitors never occurred to me to be possible but there I stood able to address circumstances and be bold. Her legal team were actually supporting us more than they were their own client! Still, our residence application was denied based on evidence that was not only incorrect but completely slanderous….new battle then began to clear our muddied names….the money we put into it was horrendous! The research I had to do was nuclear! But I loved it! I absolutely loved it. This isnt knitting or areobics, this is real life changing stuff. One day I’ll get there…I’ve worked out I’m going to do the units seperately. Its £7.5k to do the whole 4 years in one so I’ll break it down and do a few units here and there to suit my budget. We have to have a new drive first as ours has sunk and with all the rain, its flooded, and now we have a severe damp issue inside the house….! Nevertheless – time will tell and we’ll get there. I love my man so much and we’re so lucky to have each other. Positive thinking. Oh and 2012 taught me to know which fights to pick!!! Sometimes its just about waiting for the waters to calm so things become clearer rather than wading in and getting stuck!!
Thanks again Paige…Oh and Happy New Year xx
Commented: 01/30/2013 at 10:06 pm
Ok, so for as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with having to impress another person. It’s not necessarily just impressing people in general, but it’s directed at one specific person that I will try to be “perfect” in front of. Its usually an older female figure. I have a good relationship with my mom and dad, they are wonderful parents to me. I don’t think I’m lesbian because Im not sexually attracted to females and it’s not what I believe. I remember the issue starting as young as five years old with with a grandmother figure( & I had a wonderful loving grandma too) and I’d be fascinated with this person ( almost obsessed) for a few years( tops would be 4-5 years) obsessing over one specific person before the obsession changed to someone different. I always had to be perfect for this person( perfect looks,hair clothes, having it all together etc) I cant even eat in front of this person/ be around them without making myself physically ill. I go out of my way to be nice to this person, thinking of birthdays, Christmases etc way ahead of time, thinking of new ways to impress this individual. It almost feels like a relationship( which I’ve had one before with a guy) and any attention I get back from these older women figures feels like it feeds me. I don’t understand where it came from, nobody knows what I’m battling( everyone always looks at me like I’ve got it all together)here I am in my twenties and I can never remember a time in my life where I haven’t struggled with this…even as a child and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
Commented: 01/31/2013 at 9:53 am
Katy,
Given the limited information you’ve provided, it sounds as if there’s quite a bit of “not enough” in how you view yourself. It doesn’t really matter where it came from. You’re seeking approval and acceptance from these older women. I would suggest working heavily on loving and accepting yourself exactly as you are. Logically, you may know that it doesn’t matter what anything thinks of you (most people are too busy worrying about how they come across to other people). Our subconscious minds, unfortunately, aren’t at all logical and are what drive our behaviors.
Whenever you find yourself thinking about or doing something that is in some way seeking approval from these people, stop and notice it. Look at the desire to do these things as a separate being and have a conversation with it. Ask it why it feels the need to do what it’s doing. This process will help you to detach your True Self from the emotion creating these desires. You are not your emotions. They come and go like the wind.
With some time and practice you can learn to notice the desire, thank it for being there and kindly remind it that you don’t need it. With that, you can also learn to not follow the impulses to impress.
Hope that helps!
Paige Burkes recently posted..Sailing Through Life: How Not To Crash and Burn
Commented: 02/01/2013 at 12:56 am
I have a very similiar issue in the fact that I can became child like within when faced with particular members of my family. My husband noticed the change in my behaviour and described it as a quest to please and be accepted. As a child I suffered a lot of rejection from my parents and therefore growing up and lacking that natural praise from a peer tends to make you insecure around more dominant or respected members of the family. They always look down their noses at me and I have for years gone out of my way to please them and make them proud of me, right up until I met my husband who enlightened me with all of this! The moment you demonstrate your own independance and comfort within yourself is the moment someone turns the light on and you see they’re just as imperfect as you are. Dont be so hard on yourself. My husband helped me to believe in who I am which helped enormously. Good Luck x
Commented: 02/01/2013 at 5:54 am
Thank you so much for your comment Gina! You do have an amazing husband. Kudos to you for accepting all of this and taking action. It sounds like you’re a happier person for it.
Paige Burkes recently posted..Not Doing What You Love Is Literally Killing You
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Commented: 03/06/2013 at 1:43 am
Hi my biggest frustration is finding love of my life to build a happy marriage and family with though I have dated 100s and been engaged once, though think that one was a bit pushed and did not come naturally. my 2nd biggest frustration, I have taken time out of my current career to explore starting own business but struck by panic by the vacuum I have created,not realizing how much I was attached to the 9-5 paycheck, felt very insecure and with the biological clock ticking away at 40, can’t focus on a business, and will probably take a job after several month being on unemployment now while exploring and not getting anywhere with what I wanna do. and disappointed over and over at not being able to create the family life/life time relationship I want which has distracted me from all of life really….I was very driven at one point, and now can’t seem to get over failing in creating that happy family of my own, that seems to have me stuck in other areas of my life also somewhat….I am scared to be alone, unemployed and depressed now in life
Commented: 03/06/2013 at 5:33 am
Kylie,
First of all, know that it’s very difficult to attract things into your life when you’re feeling needy. That feeling actually pushes the things you’re needy about further away from you. Instead of focusing on a relationship and business, focus on yourself first. You’ll never be happy with these things in your life if you can be happy with you, just as you are. Nothing outside of ourselves can ever make us happy.
Start focusing inward and find out where that empty hole is inside of you and ask your intuition/Higher Self/True Self what you need to think and feel in order to fill it. Again, people and things outside of you will never fill it in a fulfilling way. If you can’t find love from others, it’s probably because you can’t love yourself. Whatever is missing in your core is what you’re projecting onto others and that’s not a comfortable thing for others. Find ways to love yourself just as you are before you think about looking for another relationship. Believe that you and your life will be just fine if you never got into another relationship again. I know that’s not what you want but when you can be OK with that, the right kind of relationship will show up. Don’t think that just to get the relationship. You have to believe it in your core. See what your life will be like being happy on your own with a great network of supportive friends.
Regarding the business, again, you’re coming from a place of neediness. If you don’t have sufficient income coming in from a business, my advice is for you to get a job and work on your business in every free hour you have outside of your job. Get rid of your TV. Cancel social engagements that don’t feed your soul. If you want your business badly enough, you’ll do whatever it takes to build it. And it will take time. Give yourself at least 18 months, if not more. There are lots of programs and coaches out there that can help you identify your passion and profit from it. Two I recommend are Paid To Exist’s Trailblazer program and Live Your Legend’s Live Off Your Passion program (see links in the sidebar here). I also recommend the Change Your Life program (link in the sidebar) Do the work because you love it, not because you need it.
Know that you have everything you need right now. Yes, we all want to grow and get more out of life, but you don’t really need anything else to be happy.
There’s no such thing as failure. Every experience you have is a learning experience that brings you one step closer to what you want.
Paige Burkes recently posted..My Beliefs Have Hijacked My Brain
Commented: 03/18/2013 at 2:41 pm
How do I get the FREE sessions? Patrice
Commented: 03/18/2013 at 7:57 pm
The free sessions were a special promotion in June 2012 when I ran this post. All of my coaching/mentoring packages are covered on my Mentoring page.
Thanks for asking!
Paige Burkes recently posted..How To Be Enough
Commented: 04/02/2013 at 9:09 am
feel stuck in my marriage I work at growing improving who I am but my husband stays the same I don’t think he is what I want parenting wise, socially we have known each other for a long time 18 years I feel I am stunted in my growth because we are connected i could be a better parent then i am but then feel angry because I do all the work I used to do it all then stopped because I felt way to overwhelmed and burnt out kind of let the house go cleaning laundry etc (that’s his big complaint about me ) kids education which he is barley apart of. I want different then he shows me he is wondering if I need to end my marriage it keeps bubbling up he blames it on pms like i am just over thinking things and crazy i think my filter disappears I point out or vocalize issues I am getting even more tired I now i am not at my perfect state and need to feel happy don’t want to hurt my kids if I separate from their dad . can I work on my happiness with in this marriage I think he has big problems that effect the whole family I have read marriage counseling is not always a good way to save the marriage .I feel maybe i should we should give it a try?
Commented: 04/29/2013 at 6:21 am
Keri,
Every situation is different and this is a complex one. Having grown up with parents who stayed together for the kids, I can tell you that’s not always the best answer. Years ago, I left my husband when I couldn’t take it anymore. The space gave us a chance to clear the air and our minds. Having little kids gave us a great reason to do the internal work on ourselves (we both needed it) in order to get ourselves in the right place to work on repairing our relationship.
Therapy would be a good place to start, if he’s willing to go. If he won’t go, I would recommend that you go. Don’t focus on his faults. That’s victim thinking. There are things about you that attract a man like him. You’re allowing all these things to happen. Focus on yourself. Work on being happy from the inside out. No one but you can fulfill you or make you complete.
The more you work on yourself, getting strong, confident and happy, the better role model you’ll be for your kids.
It’s amazing how other people in your life will “magically” change after you change. If those people don’t change, they “magically” drift out of your life.
Give yourself the time and space you need to heal yourself. I once read a book called The Marriage Sabbatical that was a series of stories of how women took breaks of varying lengths from their marriages for a variety of reasons. That book might give you some ideas.
Paige Burkes recently posted..When It’s Time To Say No
Commented: 04/25/2013 at 5:16 am
Hi there! My name is CarlaWashington. For some time, now, I’ve struggled with inner peace! Im 33 and as I look at my past I feel I have accomplished nothing. I have no college degree. I make minimum wage. I have no kids and never been married. I’ve had a few serious relationships but I always manage to screw those up so I choose to be single. Mainly, I just feel like a failure in life and I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!!
Commented: 04/29/2013 at 6:28 am
Carla,
What’s your vision of your future? What would your average day look and feel like, minute by minute?
If you have feelings of not being good enough, you’ll need to work on reversing them (see my post titled How To Be Enough). I’ve seen where working with a therapist who uses EMDR can make radical shifts for people in your situation.
Know that you are completely responsible for your own life. If you’re a failure, then it’s because of all the little choices you make all day every day. Start to notice every little choice, even the choices of what you think and feel throughout your day.
Think of the person you currently lives your ideal life. What kinds of thoughts, feelings and choices is that person experiencing. Decide to live exactly like that person. When you catch yourself falling back into your old ways, don’t beat yourself up. Just start anew from that moment. No judgments. Only new beginnings.
As the saying goes: How you do one thing is how you do everything. Start to notice the similarities in how you do everything and start making little shifts and changes. Those tiny baby steps may seem inconsequential but they’ll start adding up. It will be difficult to start to shift. You’ll drift backwards a lot. That’s OK. Keep starting over and making better choices for yourself.
Paige Burkes recently posted..Experimenting with Failure
Commented: 05/15/2013 at 10:22 am
Good afternoon Ma’am,
Thank you for the positive & informative article. I just wanted some general advice & hope you may help. I am 20 years old I feel as-though my life has come to a standstill. 2 years ago I was very motivated to achieve many things in my life, but after awhile I just though what is the point & have become quite unmotivated simply, because my goals take a lot of time and effort including money-and I know you shouldn’t listen to people, however my family members have doubted me and said its really not worth it. I feel very lost in life & really me as a person I always knew what I wanted and the goals I wanted to achieve. I would state that I am highly intelligent, but have dyslexia which has let me down academically. Please may you guide me. Kind Regards, Priya
Commented: 05/16/2013 at 1:10 pm
Priya,
Your life has barely begun. I would first suggest that you find a group of people who are already doing what you want to do and find ways to be around them in person or online. Ask them questions. Many probably started where you are now. Let them support you on your journey.
Often our families and friends can drag us backwards to keep us where they want us. When we set out to accomplish new and bold things, subconsciously it reminds them of what they’re not doing with their lives. They feel uncomfortable with your changes and try to keep you where you were. Avoid these people.
Don’t assume that things take a lot of money. It’s easier than ever to accomplish the impossible on a shoe-string these days. Again, the people you surround yourself with are one of the biggest determining factors in how much you can accomplish.
Don’t let the dyslexia label sway your thinking. With a quick online search, you can find plenty of people with dyslexia who have achieved amazing things (google “successful people with dyslexia”). I personally have many issues with the standard educational systems (we unschool our kids) and the negative labels they hand out are one of them. Here’s a great article about some very successful people with dyslexia and other learning “disabilities”:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/14/famous-people-with-dyslexia_n_897475.html#s308228title=Henry_Winkler
Go online and google your passions. Find blogs, forums, Facebook groups and any other places where people doing what you love hang out. Join in the conversations. Be transparent. Ask for help. Make connections. Your life will begin to magically change.
Paige Burkes recently posted..The Ultimate Productivity Hack