Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.Ā Ā Ā Ā –Viktor E. Frankl
How often do you respond to people and situations without even thinking about it?
How often do you repeat the same old arguments with your partner?Ā Sometimes the topics change and sometimes theyāre the same but they all end up heading in the same direction.
Do you ever wonder why your life isnāt going in the direction you want or why you keep repeating the same patterns?
How do you respond to life?
Your answers probably have a lot to do with your responses to life.Ā Your responses are the moment-to-moment choices you make, usually subconsciously, to handle whatever is in your life.
Thinking about Viktor Franklās quote above, I lived most of my life thinking that there was absolutely nothing between stimulus and response.Ā I stub my toe, instant pain and a profanity or two comes out of my mouth.Ā My husband makes a comment that hits one of my buttons and I light up, get defensive, angry and attack or shut down ā the beginning of another one of the same old arguments that never really gets resolved.
I did this for decades and wondered why my whole life kept repeating itself in cycles that I wanted so desperately to change.Ā Like many people, I thought changing where I lived or changing who Iām with would surely fix the problem.Ā But it never does.
Wherever you go, there you are
No matter where I go, I always take myself with me.Ā And there lies both the problem and the resolution.
I lived in my problems for entirely too long because I expected people and things outside of me to fix the problems.Ā I defended myself by saying, āThatās just the way I am.Ā Take it or leave it.āĀ I was looking for someone or something else to create my happiness.Ā How stupid could I have been?
It took me getting to the lowest of low points in my life where I felt like nothing I did was working.Ā I was physically and emotionally exhausted from resisting and trying to control everything and everyone around me to no avail.
Enter: The Pause
And then I gave up.Ā I stopped trying to control.Ā I stopped blaming.Ā I stopped defending myself.Ā And I was quiet for the first time.
I didnāt know what to do but I knew that I couldnāt do what I had been doing.
It was the first time that I slowed down enough to realize that there truly is a space between stimulus and response.
In conversations, weāre all so uncomfortable with the āpregnant pauseā where someone waits a second or two too long before responding.
When we break up a relationship, initially we want to jump right into a new one.Ā No pause there.
We need to learn to get comfortable with that pause both in conversations and in our life.Ā Slowing down enough to contemplate the stimulus before consciously creating our best response.Ā This can take anywhere from a second to many days (or years).
Utilizing The Pause
The other day I was in a bad mood.Ā My negative energy was rubbing off on my husband and he made a comment that used to be the beginnings of a fight.Ā As my lips parted to fire a comment back, I paused, bit my tongue and said nothing.
What went through my mind in that split second was:Ā I donāt want to fight and if I say this next thing, weāll be fighting. Ā That comment in my throat is just my defensiveness. Ā Heās being negative because Iām negative.Ā Heās feeding off of me.Ā Iām going to pretend that I didnāt hear what he just said because he probably didnāt really want to say it.Ā Wow!Ā Look what Iāve created with this bad mood of mine.Ā Better snap out of it and turn my day around.
Then I walked over to my husband, kissed him and apologized for being in such a bad mood.Ā I said that I was sorry for bringing his day down and asked if he could forget it ever happened.
And we both had a much better day.
I try my best to do the same with my kids but know that the stakes are higher with them.Ā Everything with kids counts.Ā Thereās no forgetting about it.
When I let my emotions flare with them, when I donāt take that second to pause, the best I can do then is to apologize.Ā I explain to them that I realize that my actions were not acceptable.Ā I explain to them what I should have done and ask if they agree.Ā If they donāt agree, I ask them what they think I should have done (for my own future reference).
I know that young children donāt forgive and forget but I at least want them to know that I know I was wrong.Ā As they grow up, I want them to know that those kinds of things arenāt acceptable for them to do.
I realize that we teach far more by our actions than our words but no one is perfect.Ā Weāre all doing our best.
Simple Steps
For the rest of your day today (and beyond), see how many times you can slow down your thoughts and actions enough to consider if what youāre about to say or do next is in your best interest.
Are you about to defend yourself (āThatās just the way I am!ā) when being yourself hasnāt led to the outcomes you want?
Are you about to make a purchase for something you donāt really need that will put you further in debt or otherwise stress your financial situation?
Are you about to say something that could be taken the wrong way by the recipient?Ā Is there a different way to say it?
Are you about to check your email or Facebook again when you wonder why you canāt get much accomplished each day?
Are you going to skip your workout again because youāre ātoo busyā and wonder why you canāt get rid of that extra weight or why you have little energy?
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Create the life you want: Combine the law of attraction with mindfulness
The law of attraction suggests that our positive or negative thoughts bring about positive or negative experiences.Ā My latest book, The Mindful Guide to Law of Attraction,Ā pairs that belief with the powerful practices of mindfulness. Through intentional breathing, writing, and engaging, youāll hone a method for manifesting health, wealth, and loveāthe elements of happiness.
Let the law of attraction work for you by adopting its basic steps of identifying and visualizing the things you desire. Then use 45 practical meditation techniques included in the book to achieve awareness. By concentrating your positive energy on obtaining your wants, youāll give yourself permission to receive them.
To your happiness!Ā ~Paige
You can find this book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, and Indigo.
The Mindful Living Guide
What an important reminder, Paige. I try to slow down often throughout the day by setting intentions for the next thing I’ll be saying or doing. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.
Sounds like you’ve been practicing the pause for a while Nea. That’s awesome that you take the time to set an intention for each thing throughout your day. I’m sure it makes a big difference!
Thanks and have a wonderful day!!
Thanks for the great post Paige! I personally love studying the science of the Automatic (unconscious) vs. the Reflective (conscious) mind and how people can harness the “pause” and learn more about themselves and what is potentially holding them back.
I believe there is too much focus on forcing behavior changes without first becoming aware of what needs changing through stopping and listening. Your post is truly the essence of simple mindfulness that will begin the process towards a better life.
Thank you so much Brian! I know that you work with a lot of people with weight and body issues. Many of them have had great success with you because of your awareness of the importance of people’s emotional state and how it affects their physical state. Using that pause to consider whether we really want to put something in our mouth on a moment-to-moment basis makes a world of difference in our bodies and how we feel about ourselves.
Thanks for the great comment!
Wonderful article Paige and thank you – that much needed PAUSE – a time to reflect and thnk before we react. Sometimes in old ways and then the regret happens. Instead to take a moment to actually think about things and then speak is a wonderful place to be.
My ex-husband taught me this lesson and now I know that I don’t have to respond quickly but instead take a breath and either respond or let the person know that I’m thinking of a response.
In gratitude,
Nancy
Whether that pause takes a second, a day or an hour, it’s so important to take it. And, as you said Nancy, if it’s for more than a second, let the other person know that you’re taking the time to respond thoughtfully. This also sends a message to the other person that they’re not going to get the same knee-jerk reaction from you. They’re going to know that your response comes from your heart.
Great comment! Thank you Nancy!
It is the first time as I am visiting your site and I can tell you that I like the way you share your thoughts. They are really insightful. Thank You.
Thank you so much Gitana! I hope that I can use my own experiences to help and inspire many others. Thank you for being here and I appreciate your comment!
Itās a bit of an evolutionary process to be able to slow down and take advantage of the space before our response. Itās a practice where weāll never be perfect but the more we practice, the easier it gets.
Everything in life is a practice with no perfection. All we can do is our best, and that’s the best we can do and it changes moment to moment.
Thanks so much Maysel!
Wonderful article Paige, I love the idea of the pause. I listened to a speech on Monday night about trying not to react to triggers which I am very guilty of but you have given me the solution. Fall silent – I love it!
Thanks so much Ciara! Pausing is the biggest cure for reacting.
I love your latest post on procrastination! I can definitely identify with it!
Thanks so much for visiting! Great to have you here!
I enjoyed this article tremendously.
Ever since I started meditating, I have found it easier and easier to introduce the pause. I call it the “space between thoughts”. From allowing myself to slow down, I don’t react as quickly but choose to respond with a lot more thought. I also avoid making decisions when I am not ready or clear about what I truly want.
Thanks for a great post!
It sounds like you’re definitely mastering the art of the pause, Evelyn. It can be incredibly powerful. And it’s wonderful that you’re waiting to make a decision until you know what you want. We usually feel pressured to jump into a decision without being clear, just for the sake of taking action. Thoughtful action will always lead us closer to what’s good for us.
Thanks for your wonderful comment!
Hi Paige,
Great topic. We do want to fill in the gaps and not let a moment just be. I love this line – that there truly is a space between stimulus and response. We are programmed to jump from one thing to the next without any hesitation. It feels uncomfortable to be waiting for the next comment in a conversation or to the next relationship or next social outing. Meditation has helped me to slow down and be comfortable with silence and sitting still. I still get jittery from time to time, but do see the value in pausing and just listening to our breath. Thanks for a wonderful post!
Thanks Cathy!
Yes, it’s not always easy to pause, even for a moment. Whenever I have a hard time slowing down, pausing or feeling OK in the quiet, I ask myself what I’m fearing. There’s something inside that my subconscious fears dealing with. As soon as I examine that and go deeper, my ability to sit still grows and those jittery feelings start to dissipate.
So glad you’ve found the power of meditation. It can help with so many things.
Have a wonderful day!
Paige, great post!
Oooohhhhh, this pause thing is one I am still working on! It’s a toughie for me but such a great way to practice mindfulness and being in the moment. It’s interesting to see what I react to – I only wish I were more practiced at seeing it in the moment rather than in hindsight! But thanks for your example of communicating with your husband; sometimes I have to apologize to my partner, too, about reacting too quickly.
Sigh. Oh pausing breath, where art thou? š
No beating yourself up on this one, Bobbi! Almost everything I talk about here is a practice. It took me a while to get to where I am and I continue to practice so that all the concepts flow more easily. We’re all a work in process. Start where you are and go from there. You’re aware of the practice which is much more than others can say.
Keep practicing and smiling!
Paige: I love this post and the concept of pausing. It is actually something I try to put to use all the time … In fact, I labeled mine the “Time Gap”. I love that quote you shared from Victor Frankl. I had never come across that one before and it brilliantly explains how we should move through the day. Thanks for all the great information and wisdom.
And thank you Sibyl! It’s a whole new definition of The Gap. š
I love your new & improved look at Possibility of Today!
Paige….
great post. when i first heard that the ‘pause’ could make a difference years ago …I questioned it. I tried it sporadically but didn’t practice diligently. I think Pema Chodron’s writings were when I had the ‘break through’ of ..’Oh yes…pausing is a spiritual act….and can make the difference between a wonderful and pretty bad day.
Love your quote from Viktor Frankl…his philosophy of ‘if you have a why, you can figure out why’ says it all.
Thanks for reminding what an inspirational individual he is.) fran
I love Pema Chodron’s work! I still have The Places That Scare You on cassette – a classic.
It sounds like you and I were in the same place years ago, thinking we understood a concept, trying it out and it not working and finding out later that we really didn’t understand it at all. Untill that Ah Ha moment.
Love your new gravatar!
when i did debating in school and university, my coach always said to me “pause, ther eis no hurry, you have enough time.” i think this speaks to my life as well. i run around too much. sometimes i need to take a pause. like you say here
Noch Noch
You had a wise coach Noch Noch! While we tend to run around thinking that there’s never enough time, in truth, there’s always enough time.
Whenever my monkey mind starts to stir up fear in my head with some sort of “not enough,” my wise self usually asks, “What is enough?” My internal stress and fear can build quite a bit when I think about having not enough time, not enough money, not enough love or whatever. But as soon as I pause to really examine those statements, I find that there’s nothing to them.
Exactly how much time is enough? One or two hours or days? I’ll just fill that time with something else and continue to stress that there’s not enough time. Silly me. The same with money. How much is enough? Enough for what? As soon as one want/need is appeased, another will pop up until I decide that I already have enough to be happy. And that’s all I really need.
You’re doing beautiful work Noch Noch!
Wow, I love this post Paige!
As I was reading I got very emotional because what you said of you “having been” it’s exactly how I was as well. I have been attacked with words a lot as a child in school by stupid bullies and for years I had been aggressive with words to people when I felt that I didn’t like what they were telling me.
This has been the big burden I’ve been carrying for a long time as a results of bad experiences where I was the victim. In turned I victimized some innocent people who didn’t always deserved it.
My excuse was that I was hurt, but I realized that I couldn’t live my life turning people away because of having suffered at he hand of bullies years ago. I had to get a grip, so to speak, and take responsibility. When I did my life changed š
Thank you for this great post.
So glad you were able to make that transformation Sylviane! As you found out, as soon as we stop playing victim or bully and take full responsibility for everything in our lives, everything changes for the best. There’s no reason to bring our past into our future without good cause. Slowing down enough to realize what we’re doing is the first step before making a conscious, new choice. Thank you so much for your comment. I know it will help others!
Paige,
It took me a long time to learn how to pause. If I only knew it when the girls were teens. There would have been a lot more peace in our home;) Your posts are awesome.
Thanks so much Tess! That means a lot to me.
Some days I’m better than others in pausing with my little ones. My husband is a gentle reminder when I miss the opportunity to pause. It’s a constant practice. š
Hi Paige,
I appreciate the way you share your personal story with us. How comforting to realize that our “teachers” are learning right along with us.
I used to say that I lived life at two speeds, (1) flat out, and (2) faster. If I wasn’t on a helicopter heading to a meeting, I was juggling a full-time job and a part-time computer company. And raising two awesome kids by myself. Yikes! A serious illness stopped me cold, and I re-evaluated everything. A year of not being able to do anything is a great (though not recommended!) way to learn to slow down. I did jigsaw puzzles for a whole year, hundreds of jigsaw puzzles.
The lesson held for twenty years, but then I over-extended again, and got sick again. Finally, I got it. Now my life consists of yoga, sculpture, meditation, salsa dancing, reading the occasional blog, and walking dogs. Life is good!
My image for not reacting too quickly in the moment is the bear. I imagine myself tilting my bear-head, sniffing the wind, taking my time, and then lumbering off. Whatever I might say or not say needs to fit within that scenario.
Bear hugs for your words of wisdom and for your wonderful self,
Mary Carol
I certainly have some lessons to learn from you Mary Carol! My life frequently feels more like your previous life, although I know better. We are definitely both teachers and students for each other.
I love the bear image! That certainly helps to slow things down and allow for reflection on whether things serve you or not. I think I’ll use that one. Thanks so much!!
The first time I read the quote of Frankl, I know this is going to be a great article.
Thank Cari! Frankl was certainly a wise man.
Hi Paige
This was a great post! Personal development covers a lot of stuff and lots of nuggets of wisdom and I believe that this is one of the most profound. Out of habit, we just react to everything outside of us when what we need to be doing is taking a moment and responding or in some cases, not responding at all! This is one of the things that I work on most probably and while I do not always succeed, I am getting to a place in my life where I am honoring that space and really observing what is happening in my mind when I feel those initial feelings and thoughts arise. The uncomfortable feelings and thoughts may still persist in some cases, but making that point to observe them and dissect them removes that extra layer of discomfort we may feel simply because we are upset at being upset.
We always have that choice on how to respond to what is happening around us.
You’re so right Kelli. It’s a bit of an evolutionary process to be able to slow down and take advantage of the space before our response. It’s a practice where we’ll never be perfect but the more we practice, the easier it gets. I’m so glad you’ve discovered the magic of this process. Noticing what comes up inside without judging it is key.
Thanks so much for being here!
Paige,
That is one of the main premises for my book… changing your reaction to the people in your life! Thanks for this great reminder! I’m also trying to slow down this year and it’s slow coming about because I just seem to keep too busy.
Also, I was amazed to see that you had quoted Viktor Frankl here. I just heard of him recently in a TED video by Jane Fonda about the last 1/3 part of life (which I highly recommend). I looked him up on google and he was amazing. Now I seem to see his name everywhere!
I know exactly how you feel, Betsy. Sometimes I wonder if my intuition told me to create a blog about slowing down and being mindful because that’s one of the biggest lessons that I need to learn. Like you, I keep “too busy” and constantly have to remind myself to slow down, be present and stop worrying about getting everything done. It will never all be done and many of the deadlines that I stress about are ones that I created for myself. No one else in the world even knows about them much less cares about them.
Viktor Frankl was a truly amazing man. I highly recommend his better-known book: Man’s Search for Meaning where he writes about his experiences as a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps in WWII. He basically says that a person can be stripped of everything in life but no one can take away the ability to choose our attitude. And it was his attitude that saved his life.
Good luck with your book!!!
I read all about his book a few weeks ago. I’ll have to read it. it sounds amazing! I even copied a few passages.
Hello, Mirror! š I just know my day is going to go better for visiting you. I like your thought process sequencing, arriving at solutions. Slowing down IS the name of the game today. I’ve been through each of these myself – and am grateful for the self-realization that comes from absorbing these gems of wisdom.
You, Paige, are a jewel that shines brightly. Thank you.
And I just did the “Pin a quote” š – so much fun. You have a wonderful day, wise one!
You’re so funny Vidya! Maybe we were sisters in a previous life. š
Thanks for the “pin!” I still haven’t had time to figure that whole thing out.
Thank you so much for spreading your beauty here and everywhere you go!