The Challenge of Being Yourself

Why is it so easy to be a mindless sheep?  To follow the flock, do as you’re told, blend in?

From the time we’re little and placed into preschool by our parents, the programming begins.

What does school teach us?  To sit down, shut up, blend in, be normal and do as we’re told so that we are properly trained to be productive little cogs in a big machine (sheep), otherwise known as “good, productive citizens.”

We move from school to a job where we continue the process.  Sit down, shut up, blend in and do as we’re told.

At some point some of us start to wonder about the whole thing.  We start to wonder if this is all our lives are really about.  Being sheep.  Mindlessly following the flock.

Most people, if they’ve let themselves have these thoughts, shake them off, tell themselves to “get real” and forget about the whole thing.

A few of us, though, can’t shake the thoughts and feelings in our guts that know that there’s a better way.

We start to question everything.  And that’s threatening to “the system.”

The sheep in our lives, who are convinced that “the system” will take care of them if they just continue to comply with the rules of the system, tell us to “get real.”  They start to look down their noses at us and treat us badly.  That’s what herd animals do when members of the herd start to act on their own accord.  They’re kicked, bitten and expelled from the herd because, in the wild, being different threatens the herd.

But we don’t live in the wild.  We live in a very tame world.

My Personal Experience of Being a Non-Sheep

I was a wonderful sheep until I was about 28 years old.

I did well in a “good” college prep school, went to a “good” college where I graduated cum laude and started my corporate job at a “good” firm less than a month after graduating.  I got married.  At the firm, I excelled and was on the fast track to making partner.

But when I got about a year away from making partner, the voice in my head starting asking, “Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?”  The answer was a resounding “no” but I didn’t know what to do about it.

An opportunity came for a new job that I thought might help me to make the decision to leave the firm.  I took it and, fortunately, it only lasted a few months.  I knew that I couldn’t keep up the charade.

So I quit, having no idea what I was going to do next.

Although I was married all this time, something kept telling me that it wasn’t the right time to buy a house or have kids.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I knew I would have these things at some point but that time wasn’t it.

So when I left my job, we put everything we owned in storage.  I remember sitting at dinner with my husband and he asked what the plan was.  This was the first time in my life that I didn’t have a plan.  Up until this point, I had everything in my life mapped out, predictable and controlled.  He was shocked and obviously scared.

Funny thing was – I wasn’t scared at all.  For the first time in my life I didn’t have a plan and was just following my instincts and it felt awesome.  I couldn’t wait for the ensuing adventure.

My husband at the time was a pilot based on the island of Nantucket.  I moved to Nantucket with him at the beginning of the off-season and waitressed at one of the three restaurants open on the island in the off-season.

Just before Christmas, on a last minute whim, I got the opportunity to go to Costa Rica with a friend with whom I waitressed.  She was going with another friend who bailed at the last minute.  It was one of those “why not?” decisions and it was a good one.  I spent an unforgettable month and a half there with no plans and had the time of my life.  I almost didn’t come back.

A few weeks after returning, my internal voice started yelling at me to “go west and do something with horses.”   My logical mind asked, “Where west and what with horses.”  My wise internal voice answered, “You go figure it out.”  And I did.

Following the results of an internet search, I signed up for outfitting school in the woods outside of Jackson Hole, WY.  I grew up a city girl and had never spent any time in the outdoors.  So, logically, my next move would be to live in a tent in the middle of nowhere for a couple months learning to be self-sufficient and guide others in the outdoors.  Another one of the best experiences of my life.

From there I managed a dude ranch in northeastern Colorado for a year.  I’ll never forget having a phone conversation with my mother after I had been there for a couple months.  She asked me, “Don’t you think you’re being a bit irresponsible???”  Obviously, I said no.  Who wants to be totally responsible their whole life?  If being responsible means not following your heart and being a sheep then, absolutely no!  I don’t think I’m being irresponsible at all.

Flack from Friends & Family

As soon as you start making your own decisions and not being a sheep, expect this kind of response from those close to you – especially those very close to you who say that they have your best interest in mind.

They are actually acting from fear.  A fear that arises in them because your actions are punching holes in their comfortable world – their reality.  You’re rockin’ their world and they don’t like it.  So, like herd animals, they’ll bite and kick you to remind you to fold back into the flock.

Finding a New Flock

I chose to leave the old flock and find a new one.  Ultimately, we’re social creatures and don’t do very well on our own.  I just needed a new flock that understands that doing your own thing is OK.

And I found it.  I found a new husband whose very being rests on doing his own thing and respecting the paths that others take.

So when I decided to go back into the corporate world because we needed the money (I was getting a little tired of making $7/hour taking care of other people’s horses), I knew I needed to do it differently.

After finding a job, we bought a house that was an hour and a half away, in the mountains on 20 acres (basically, in the middle of nowhere).  We got our own horses and created the home of our dreams.

People close to us thought we were crazy living “so far out there” but we love it.

At first I had to commute each day but, over time, worked with my boss so that I worked one, then two or three days from home.  Eventually I worked full time from home.  Something unheard of for a CFO.

Then I got pregnant with the first of our three children.  At first I was a sheep in this area, blindly going to my OB/Gyn and doing as I was told.  But this didn’t feel right.

I did a lot of research, discussing my findings with my husband and my doctor.  I wanted to have my baby at home with a midwife.  My husband was extremely supportive.  He had his concerns which I addressed.  My doctor was shocked and appalled that I would question her superiority in this area so I promptly fired her.

With our first child being a boy, the question of circumcision came up.  After doing more research, I decided that it was a bad idea and my husband totally supported the decision.

And there was the question of immunizations.  I did endless hours of reading and research in this area, discussing the issue with pediatricians and other experts.  We decided that it would be best to avoid them completely.

When our son approached school age, after more research we decided to home school our children.

All of these decisions have worked out very well for our family.

All of these decisions brought up all kinds of resistance and nastiness from our families as they disguised it as “looking after the best interest of our children.”  It took a lot to stay firm with our well thought out and researched decisions.

We found it amazing how staunchly these people felt about their views and how little they actually knew about either side of the issues.  They had done no research but sent us articles from mainstream media to convey to us the error of our ways.

We continue to live our lives in a way that raises eyebrows but in a way that supports our personal values.  It’s not always easy but we feel good about the choices we’ve made for our family.  Every family is different and our choices won’t work for everyone.  But they work for us and that’s what’s important.

At the end of my life, I don’t want to say, “Well, it didn’t suck that much.”  I want to say, “Wow!  That was amazing!  I want to do it all over again!”

How many people do you know who suppress their values in order to be accepted as part of the flock?  Are you still being a sheep on some areas of your life?  Is it time to break free and find a flock that shares your values?

How many of the big and little, daily decisions you’re making every day are in alignment with your personal values and how many are made to maintain the acceptance from the people around you, doing what you think you should do?

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